All you Tinder lovers out there know how weird the dates can get sometimes — at least, I’ve ended up in some pretty awkward situations because of the app. Of course, none of my stories are anywhere near as interesting as this man’s, whose date involved getting stuck in a window, a confused fire crew, and a literal bag of shit. I kid you not.
I… cannot do this story justice, honestly. So I’m just going to quote the man’s GoFundMe page, which truly says it all:
I recently took a girl I met on tinder to Nandos. We had a lovely evening, and enjoyed each others company very much. After our meal, we repaired back to my house for a bottle of wine and a scientology doccumentary.
About an hour in to Louis Theroux and chill, my date got up to use the toilet. She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me.
“I went for a poo in your toilet”, she told me “and it would not flush. I don’t know why I did this, but I panicked”, she continued “I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window”.
Yeah, it’s weird. But it also gets weirder.
I was understandably concerned, and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened. Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, seperated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.
Of course, their plan to get it out wasn’t quite foolproof…
As can be seen in the picture, the inside window opens at the top, into the gap that is seperated from the garden by a non-opening double-glazed window pane. Seeing only one solution, I messaged our house group-chat, and went upstairs to find a hammer and chisel to smash open the window.
My date had other ideas.
Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested “inside out blag as glove” technique. Unfortunately she couldn’t reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.
Unfortunately for my date, at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament. She had been upside down in the window for around 15 minutes at this point, and I was starting to grow concerned for her health. I called the fire brigade.
Bristol’s finest were on scene sirens blairing in a matter of minutes. Once they had composed themselves after surveying the scene in front of them, they set to work removing my date from the window using all of their special firemen hammers and tools. It took them about 15 minutes.
Unfortunately, although they rescued my date unharmed from what must have been a rather unpleasant confined space to find yourself in, in the process they had to completely destroy the window with their special fire tools. I’m not complaining, they did what they had to do. Problem is, I’ve been quoted north of £300 to replace the window. As a postgraduate student, that is a significant chunk of my monthly budget (in fact, that is my monthly budget).
So I’m turning to the internet for help. If people could donate just a couple of pounds/dollars/yen/ruppee/North Korea Won to help me repair my (now broken) window I would be enternally greatful. If the window is not replaced my landlord may well kill me, so you would be literally helping to save a life.
But just in case he ended up making more money than he needed, he already had an idea what good cause it would go toward:
First, toilet twinning, a charity building and maintaining flushing toilets in the developing world. 60% of people worldwide don’t have access to a flushing toilet, which, when you think about it, really is pretty shit.
Seccond, to the firefighters charity. The guys who came to the house were brilliant, took everything in good humour, and profesional. This call out was pretty funny, but they do risk their lifes on a daily basis, and the firefighters charity provides financial, psychological and medical help to the brave men and women who risk their lives for us.
So. Yeah. I’m still speechless. Here are some reactions from people who are slightly less speechless than I am:
— Avon Fire & Rescue Service (@AvonFireRescue) September 5, 2017
They're either never going to speak to each other or they'll get married and grow old together. An epic "how we met."
— Generation Above Me (@TheGenAboveMe) September 5, 2017
Submit an Oscar-worthy screenplay soon
— Val Saville (@emeraldjacuzzi) September 5, 2017
how i met your mother
— Stop scolding me, I'm vaccinated (@jtLOL) September 5, 2017
Well, needless to say, at least the date wasn’t boring. Should we expect a follow-up?