As hard as it is for me to openly admit it, I still miss you and in all honesty, I now know that it’s okay and alright to do so.
Despite the outward display of my stoic nonchalance and even as much as my Snaps, Instagram updates and Facebook posts have indicated otherwise, I do in fact, still miss you, so much more than I’d like to, so much more than you (shouldn’t) know.
It is in the fleeting moments between jobs and drives where I find my mind drifting back to instances of you.
It goes to times that once seemed like part of real life, but now they stand shrouded and unclear like the bits and pieces of a dream that you can’t seem to completely recall.
Even with this shitty 240p image quality, I still remember (most of) the ‘good’. Your smile, the scent of sunlight on your skin, the sensation of your body against mine; and hand-in-hand with the good, I also remember the ‘bad’.
Like the way your ‘default setting’ was painfully revealed to me, in a move that can only be described as ‘having brought it upon myself’; a notion which in fact, acted as the precursor for all that would transpire during the time that we were together. The time you professed your heart to me, and in the very next moment, placed those exact lips that just uttered “At a point in time, you were the only one who kept me alive” on and all over someone else.
I remember the time you came to my shores, and did as you saw fit; changing my nights and days, and how I, blindsided by all that you were, are and could be, gave you the full authority to do so. You washed up into my life, sun-f*cked and inked up, with a smile that could only be described as the first ray of light after a long, dark and harsh winter.
You were driven, focused and always ready to head onto the next new thing, spurring on this contented, lazing lion. You were a force of nature, an anomaly in my world, a beautiful wildfire, in search of sanctuary to re-ignite, restart as you heal. And most importantly (for most parts), you had a real cute booty to boot.
But, that’s just it. You had a cute booty then, and you probably have an even cuter booty now. And that booty will probably never be around me ever again. My point here being; life still went on. The days turned to nights, the nights gave birth to new days while time proved itself yet again to be no man’s debtor; and I in turn, did not fade away.
I’m still standing, I am still here, heart still beating, lungs still breathing, despite the mess left in wake of the Tsunami that was you. Life has moved on, your booty has moved on and I have moved on to be without it; to be without you and all that you are/were.
And I will continue to do so, until my heart is able to completely let you go. Until I am able to, I will still think about you, as I carry on with my day-to-days knowing that I have learned how to live (thrive) on, without you in my life.
I will carry around with me, all that we did and all that we were as a testament to who I was to you, who you were to me and how it all went to hell in an instant. I carry around what you did, what I did and what I allowed to happen as a reminder to myself. A reminder that at one point in time, you were my all; and that in time, another will come along and be newly deemed, worth it all.
But until then, I will soldier on into new horizons as the hands of the clock tick and tock on by. I will do so while knowing and admitting to myself that there still will be times when I will undoubtly think of you, long for you and miss your presence despite all that has happened. And most importantly, I will live on knowing that for now, still feeling this way, still missing you and still having you in my thoughts is something that is in all honesty, alright and okay.