Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I read somewhere that putting a quote at the beginning of your piece makes it somehow more sophisticated and shareable. Isn’t that nice? I’m here because I think that of all the trendy things to write about out there today, mine is gonna somehow be more profound. I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. Gotta catch ‘em all, Pokemon!
Maybe my boyfriend just broke up with me and I feel like shit and I want to share that with you. Or I’ve got some first world problem that I feel I’m talented enough to make it seem important in the form of an internet article. Better yet, I’m gonna write an editorial on a hot button issue or a controversy of some kind but, plot twist, I don’t know anything about the topic and just want to bitch about my personal beliefs using editorial journalism as a disguise. Even if I do know what I’m talking about, you’re all gonna say I don’t in the comments.
I need feminism because feminism means women can be whatever they want to be… unless what they want to be is a supermodel or a makeup lover or a stay at home mom. Here are ten ways to improve your fall look. Real women hate men, but feminism is about equality… just not for men. It doesn’t matter what I say. I can say, “Men and women are both awesome” and I’ll get death threats from both the extreme feminists and the male chauvinist pigs in the comments. Because trolls don’t read the whole thing.
What I really wanted to do was write a listicle about all the basic shit I’m gonna do this fall, like wear Ugg boots and buy seasonal beverages, but Chelsea Fagan kind of has that market cornered and will, undoubtedly, be posting such a piece in the first week of October. And it will be better than anything I write. Besides, long form makes me feel more important. And I don’t know how to make .gifs so Buzzfeed is out.
Maybe I’ll say something scandalous or purposefully praise being the other woman, because sex makes me better than you. Then I’ll write a condemning reply, pleading that women look out for other women and none of this would have happened if we all were free to carry machine guns and marijuana was legal. Blame the blacks, the whites, the Asians, and Anne Gus.
This is not a true story. It’s an erotica. Please stop calling me a whore. How can I be relatable? I want my audience to be sharing this with friends. #OMGSoTrue. 10 Ways Introverts are Basic with Cats and Sororities and Never Forget the One that Got Away and How to be the Madonna and the Whore or Just a Normal Person. The best part is only half of you will know that this is satire. The best part is only half of you will know that I’m serious as a heart attack right now
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