The Hippie is either your Environmental Studies professor or teaches some English class you have to take to graduate. The hippie is of course e a flaming liberal, but the calmest flaming liberal of all time. Their voice is disturbingly soft and you have to strain to hear every word. Do not engage them in political discussion. On the plus side, they have class outside when it’s nice out and they accept just about any excuse for late work or absences. Your final will be discussion based.
2. The Professional
The Professional had high aspirations of heading up archeological teams in South America. Now they’re stuck teaching Ancient Civilization 102 to a bunch of frat daddies and stoners who don’t give a shit. There will be no syllabus, no assigned reading, just slideshows of their last trip to Peru. Meanwhile, they will be desperately filling out applications for a job somewhere far away from you.
3. The New Kid
Ah, the first year professor. The New Kid is armed with their brand spankin’ new PhD and they are here to EDUCATE. This professor means well and is typically a fun person, but they will have the most strict attendance policy, the most in-depth reading assignments, and they will actually write a final with the intent of it taking up the full four hour slot. Fuck this guy.
4. The Overqualified
You are in awe of this professor. Before The Overqualified descended from the heavens to teach your worthless ass, they were at the top of their field. They have written every dissertation worth knowing in your chosen degree, they’ve met your personal idols, and they have done everything you someday hope to do. You write down every word that comes out of their mouth and cradle your class notes to your chest when you sleep at night.
5. The One Who Thinks they are Overqualified
This professor will take every opportunity to remind you of the one time they were published in that obscure journal you’ve never heard of but is, apparently, a big deal. When you ask a question in class, they will respond with a chuckle and put on their best condescending tone as they tell you “you only would think that because you don’t know any better”. Every “A” they hand out is a gift from above (they will tell you this) and they make a point of never giving an “A” on a final, because their purpose is to “make you see where you should improve”. Fuck this guy, also.
6. The “Oh No They Didn’t”!
They seem normal. They’re fun, not too strict. They are good at their job, but not conceited. Everything is going great… until, one day, they drop a bomb in class. Like telling a girl that just got engaged that her engagement ring is a symbol of her body being bought and if she really was gonna marry for love, she wouldn’t have accepted the ring. Suddenly, you’re mild-mannered Brit. Lit prof has transformed into a raging sexist. Everyone is too shocked to respond, so the whole class just sits slack-jawed for the rest of the semester.
Maybe it’s your favorite professor from freshman year, whose office door is always open. Maybe it’s your assigned degree advisor. Whoever it is, this professor is the full-on replacement for the parents you left at home. During the school year, every school year, the Mom/Dad is the person who will give you advice on academic and personal issues, listen to your thesis proposal, and sometimes even bake you cookies because you had a bad week. Treasure them.
8. The Mentor
Just as beloved as the Mom/Dad, The Mentor is someone you should cherish. They really get what it means to pursue a higher education. They won’t bullshit you, but will prepare you for what’s ahead both through what they teach in the class and through their own personal experience. You might find this person in an unusual place, like an obscure elective class, but you will always make room in your schedule to have them again and again.
9. The Total Hottie McHotterson
You never understood the allure of sleeping with professors until now. They wouldn’t even have to give you an “A”. They’re just hot. So fucking hot. You never miss their class because you take every chance to ogle them, you go to all their office hours because you like having some private time between the two of you. Pure. Unadulterated. Lust. (True Story: I had a professor who was, without a doubt, the sexiest man who ever lived. He used to grow out some man scruff and wore these tight slacks and to say I lusted after him is the understatement of the century. It got so bad that I actually believed that if he didn’t shave, it was going to start negatively impacting my grade, because he was looking so good I couldn’t focus… Just in case you were concerned, he did shave in the nick of time, just before finals.)
10. The TA
You know this class has a professor; you’ve just never seen them. Every day it’s a different grad student giving the lecture and you know that Seth the TA is the one grading your papers. So who is actually in charge of this class?