Step 1: Eye Shadow Primer
Because my date will totally notice if my eye makeup has creases…
Step 2: Eye Shadow
What do I want to be today? Neutral? Colorful? Bold? Does smoky eye say “slutty bitch” or “seductively sophisticated”?
Step 3: Eyeliner
Just a small, sharp line to bring out my eyes… Maybe I should do a winged look… Oh, shit, fucked that up… Fuck, now it’s too dark… Let’s just even this side out… And… now I’m a Tim Burton creation.
Step 4: Color Serum
Fuck you, Swedish grandmother from whom I inherited my pasty complexion. It wasn’t enough to make me Casper the Ghost; you had to throw in weirdly pink cheeks. Luckily makeup technology has given me the power to fight back against genetics.
Step 5: Face Primer
The lady at Sephora said I needed this.
Step 6: Foundation
My face is a canvas and I’m an artist creating a masterpiece… using one very specific shade of oil controlling, maximum concealing beige paint.
Step 7: Shimmer Highlight
Touch lightly to cheekbones and bridge of nose to simulate that dewy natural glow that I just spent ten minutes covering up with foundation.
Step 8: Brow Pencil
There’s a fine line between attractive human female and cartoon villain.
Step 9: Mascara
Fuck! I blinked too soon! Tim Burton creation 2.0
Step 10: Lipstick
Matte or shimmer? Nude tones, bright pink, or dark red? Will this look purple on me? Glitter lipstick? What am I, a space go-go dancer? How much is too much? Will this make me look like the Joker? Should I go with a stain instead? How about a gloss?
Step 11: Perfume
Coco Chanel once said that a woman should apply perfume wherever she wants to be kissed. Is it presumptuous for me to apply this in my cleavage?