My mother does not approve of my lack of steady significant other and apparently Tinder dates are not a suitable means of finding a mate. So, I’m submitting my resume to the Internet. Come and get it, boys!
A. The School of Life, Planet Earth
Masters in Being a Functioning Human Female
- Practical skills in communication with an emphasis in sarcasm
- Rudimentary knowledge of sex, dating, romance, and how to human
B. University Education, SEC bitches!
B.A in Political Science
- I actually know about stuff other than the Kardashians
- I don’t just converse. I debate
- Your dad will love me
B.A in English
- This one’s a no brainer. I contribute to Thought Catalog.
- I’m totally open to reading while you have your bros over. Or not, I love football
- Your mom will love me.
Member of an Honor Society
- Because you don’t leave that shit off of a resume
C. High School Education, Tiny Town from Hell, TX
Class of 2012
- I graduated high school. So you can basically tell I have my life together
D. Romantic Experience
First Boyfriend, Sophomore Year of High School
Young and Naïve
- Acquired basic skills in sexual stuff
- Gained experience in managing arguments
- Acquired new respect for self and made promise to never date man who does not value me as an individual ever again.
Foreign Fling, Spring Break
Junior Year, 2011
Wild and Stupid
- Leveled up in Sexual Boldness
- Gained significant regret experience
- Learned the importance of fun and the value of mistakes
The Single Dad, aka The Sexy Nanny
Older, Wiser, Still Learning
- Gained experience in more varied sexuality
- Obtained a solid understanding of sexual preferences and identity
- Gained experience in basic child care and housekeeping
- Acquired basic listening skills with specialization in grown-up issues
The Older Man, Desperation
Age doesn’t matter… but it matters to me
- Acquired specific understanding of just how old was too old
- Gained beginner experience in dealing with exes. Survived
- Obtained interest in fine whisky, poetry readings, and Faulkner
Steady College Relationship, Playing it Safe
Accounting majors sound like a safe bet
- Honed skills in caretaking, listening, and oral sex
- Strengthened ability to operate as an independent individual within the scope of a romantic partnership.
E. Professional Experience
Local Attorney’s Office, Small Town, Southern US
- Yeah, I’m going to law school, motherfuckers.
F. Personal Achievements/Skills/Interests
- Won a beauty pageant… as a child.
- Skill in mixed beverages, especially White Russians
- Avid outdoorswoman. Activities include horseback riding, fishing, hunting, shooting sports, hiking, canoeing, and exterminating venomous snakes.
- Fluent in French, American English, and Sass.
- Skilled in Cajun/Southern American cuisine. My biscuits are boss. My creole is cray.
- I’m white. Like so white. I should not have said cray.
- Comic book fan. Loves DC villains and Marvel heroes.
- Appreciative of muscle cars. I drive a Challenger and restored a 1959 Pontiac Starchief.
- Natural D chest, Blonde hair… I’ll just leave that there.
- Admittedly bitchy but unexpectedly sweet
- Dog lover. I love my dog more than I do most people. To consider me for this position is to understand this fact.