Boobies. Tits. Breasts. Bosoms. Jugs. Sweater Stretchers. Knockers. Amen.
There is a certain splendor that comes with big boobs. Like having a majestic mountain range on your chest. With your great titties, you wear, like a badge of honor, the mightiest symbols of womanhood, capable of both nurturing offspring and driving a man mad with lust. Your ample bosom embodies all that it is to be a woman: maternal softness, feminine curves, and bold sexuality. Like the figurehead of some glorious ship, your boobies make a statement to the world, “I am woman”.
My pride in my boobs borders on all-consuming adoration. I developed early and have proudly been a D cup since I was in 6th grade. With my immaculate set of perfectly rounded, perky orbs came confidence and joy. I have worn them proudly all my life and have allowed myself to be empowered by them. They are, in a way, my spiritual totems from which I draw my womanly power. But, with great rack comes great responsibility. There are definitely ups and downs to living the #BigTitLife (please don’t make this a thing, I hate hashtags and was only trying to use it ironically… oh god, what have I done?) This one’s for all my comrades in bras, my busty soul sisters.
You give the best hugs
Basically, you have two giant pillows attached to your chest; warm, squishy pillows that are made for comfort. They bring joy to all those who know your embrace. When my friends and I were navigating the savage jungle that is high school, I would often let my friends cry into my cleavage, as I patted their head soothingly. I don’t mean to brag, but my breasts had the power to help people get over breakups.
Filling out your clothes
There is nothing as satisfying as pulling on a tee shirt and seeing your hourglass figure come into shape. Your boobs are lovingly hugged and defined by the fabric, instantly turning a simple tee into a sexy outfit choice. But wait, there’s more! Benefits that come with boobies and fashion include: Being able to hold up a strapless top, being a total babe in a bikini, lingerie looking even more sexy on you, sultry cleavage in dresses, and many, many more.
Sweet, sweet lovin’
Men worship a good set of breasts. All those gentle caresses and firm squeezes. The fact that just about any view of your naked body is a damn good one with those beautiful, luscious curves. What man doesn’t want to roam those hillsides? (Bonus points for the fact that we can actually tit-fuck!)
Hours of entertainment
Your boobs are more than just growths on your chest. They are your own personal stress balls. Give them a light squeeze now and then, bounce them in your hands just because you can and it’s fun! Pretend they’re chest-mounted machine guns and save America from evil space monsters! The possibilities are endless! Fun Fact: Lightly squeezing your breasts on a regular basis has been proven to help prevent breast cancer.
Convenience built right in
It’s raining and you’ve got an open cup of coffee and no umbrella! No problem, your boobs will shelter your meticulously crafted drink. Snacking on the couch as you binge watch “Girls”? You’ve got your very own shelf attached to your chest that is perfectly equipped for resting plates/bags of food on.
Kids grab them
Children of all ages seem to have a fascination with boobs. The fact that I won’t hold your new baby is only partially due to the fact that I hate kids. The truth is, taking an infant into my arms is basically asking for a drooling mouth to try and latch onto my chest, or at least for a greedy little hand to attempt to pull down my shirt. You can always count on an adorable little girl to loudly proclaim, “Mommy! Her boobies are even bigger than yours!!” as you stand behind her in line at the grocery store or for some pre-teen to ogle you at the public pool.
As fun as boobs are for filling out certain clothes, there’s an abundance of problems that come with trying to outfit a large chest. Button up shirts leave you with huge gaps, flowy tops hang off you like an unflattering tent, and even the slightest V-neck shows off your porn star cleavage in a very brazen way. It’s tough finding clothes that are both trendy and capable of containing the bold and bouncing party on your chest. From the bra to the raincoat, every layer presents its own problems
Magnets for spillage
If it can spill, it will spill, directly onto your chest. Big boobs are magnets for spaghetti sauce, taco fillings, and drinks of all sorts and kinds. It is just the way.
Attracting too much attention
As I mentioned earlier, with great rack comes great responsibility. Having a glorious bosom draws attention, both good and bad. Unfortunately, big boobs have kind of a bad reputation amongst the ranks of women. In the world of girl-on-girl hate, the bigger the boobs the dumber/sluttier you must be. It’s a pretty vicious assumption. What’s worse are the men in clubs that think that it’s okay to grab a big handful of stranger titty, just because they are there. As fun as it can be to be the girl with the fabulous rack, it also opens you up to a world that is rife with danger.
You’ve got to stay in shape, but if you’re of the busty set things can be challenging. Ever been suffocated by your own boobs in a yoga class? Forget about running. Even if you can manage to find a sports bra that can hold down your free-spirited breasts, the sheer weight of their existence is enough to make your back break.