Having made it through Mother’s Day and done the requisite calling and sending of flowers, I’m starting to feel a little bad that, for a lot of people, there aren’t many other points in the year where they pause their busy lives to pick up the phone and call their mom. Usually moms feel lucky if we even answer their calls. So I think we should all resolve to call our mothers more often. It’s such a little, simple thing that means so much. It makes us feel good; we know it makes our moms feel good. So, with all this good, why is it that we don’t call Mama more often? Because, Mama sticks her nose in business that she has no business sticking her nose in!
Seriously, I love my mama and all mothers everywhere, but doesn’t it seem that every mother could have possibly worked for the CIA at one point? My Mama can run an interrogation like no other and it’s my job, as her sweet little girl, to protect her from the ugly truth about me. The truth being that I’m not nearly as good at being a grown-up as she thinks I am. The prime example of this little dance is within the scope of those phone calls that we have all promised to make more often.
Mama, if you’re reading this… I’m sorry.
“How are you?”
What you say: Oh, I’m doing fine. Keeping busy.
What you want to say: Well, my love life is less than inspirational, my boss is an asshole, my friends are all getting married, and I desperately need to catch up on housework. But, I found a new Thai place that delivers, so I’ve got that going for me.
“Have you tried that new Spanish rice recipe I sent you?”
What you say: Not yet! But I plan on cooking it for friends this weekend.
What you want to say: That recipe has been filed with all the delicious Pinterest treats that I will never make. Your daughter has not cooked a meal for herself in months and has a trash can full of takeout boxes to prove it.
“Did you hear about (insert relative’s name here) getting engaged!?”
What you say: Yes! How exciting!
What you want to say: Do not use this as a transitional topic into asking about my love life.
“So are you seeing anyone?”
What you say: Oh, I’ve been on a few dates, but nothing serious.
What you want to say: If by seeing you mean hooking up with guys I meet on Tinder then, yes, I’m seeing people.
“What ever happened with that one guy?”
What you say: Oh, we just weren’t headed in the same direction. No big deal.
What you want to say: He was married and conveniently forgot to mention this to me until his wife found our messages and threw him out and he showed up on my doorstep.
“Are you still doing that Internet thing?”
What you say: Yeah, it’s just a hobby.
What you want to say: You know, people make entire careers out of posting videos on YouTube, Mama! Just because you don’t know how to use Google doesn’t mean that the fact that I create Internet content is a waste of time!!
“Would you like me to send you this new diet pill I found?”
What you say: No thanks, Mama, I’ve found something that works for me.
What you want to say: I go to yoga, Zumba, and try to force myself to run. I’ve given up soda and am taking my vitamins. Just because I inherited hips that you never had from Dad’s side of the family doesn’t mean I’m fat!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
“I love you.”
What you say: Love you too, Mama.
What you want to say: Thank you for checking in on me. I love you so much and I miss you. It feels so good to know you’re out there.