The Ugly but Practical Bra
This bra is the lingerie equivalent to your grandmother. It typically comes in boring shades of black, white, or beige. No fun lace or sparkles or even a decorative bow at the plunge. But, the straps don’t dig in, the band is wide and secure, and, while it doesn’t enhance your cleavage, it holds everything in place with comfort (a rare delight for us ladies of the more busty set). You hate wearing it because, god forbid, some handsome stranger sees it, but you can’t help but love the fact that it doesn’t create any weird lines or bumps under your tight, silky blouse. You keep it to wear under your office clothes or anytime the occasion calls for modesty. Just don’t let your lover see it.
Shark Week Panties
Black cotton is your friend here. Or maybe those weird Hello Kitty undies that still somehow fit you from high school. Whatever they are, they’re going to the front lines and you and I both know we’ve lost a lot of good panties out there. There’s a good chance your Shark Week Panties won’t come back alive, so keep two or three in reserve.
The Zero Fucks Given Bra
This bra offers no support, no aesthetic value, and no lifting or enhancement. Not to be confused with the Ugly but Practical Bra, this piece of lingerie has simply given up. It’s like a ratty, XL tee shirt for your boobs. This bra should only be worn in the following situations: when you are so sick that you have begun to draw up a will, when you just want to be naked but respect for your roommate mandates some form of body covering, any weekend that will be spent solely on food delivery and Netflix, and post-breakup sob fests/ “Girls” marathons.
Because sometimes you gotta lock that shit into place.
THE NIKE SUPPRESSOR 9000
This is the sports bra that actually functions as a sports bra in the sense that it SQUASHES YOUR FUCKING TITS TO THE POINT THAT YOU RESEMBLE AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY!! Hanging upside down? Running a marathon? Shaking your moneymaker at Zumba? No problem! Because the NIKE SUPPRESSOR 9000 has got you in its grip and your titties are going NOWHERE!!
The Christian Grey
Maybe it’s a pair of crotchless panties or a fishnet body suit, the important thing is that it’s NAUGHTY! There’s something strangely empowering about owning something just for the sake of fantasy, even if you never test-drive it with anyone other than yourself.
The Matchy Matchy
This is, quite possibly, the most important item(s) that a woman can own. The Matchy Matchy is the bright lipstick of the lingerie world, perfectly transitioning from casual day to seductive night. The Matchy Matchy is any bra and panty ensemble that is specifically selected or designed to match. To experience the full effects of The Matchy Matchy, I recommend owning at least one set of each of the three subcategories of The Matchy Matchy: Cute, Romantic, and Sexy. For the Cute look, try out some bright colors and fun patterns, or maybe a soft tee shirt bra. The Romantic look indulges your love of the finer things, with sophisticated silks and delicate lace. Unlock your inner sex goddess with a Sexy ensemble in daring reds or go with sheer lace cups. It’s amazing the difference that a set of pretty lingerie will make in your day and how much more put together and powerful you will feel, knowing that underneath your clothes is a sexy little secret about what kind of woman you chose to be today. So hit up the next sale at Victoria’s Secret and stock up!
The Boom Bam Baby!
This is a bra that practically screams “bombshell”! It lifts, it enhances, and it creates the kind of cleavage that can bring any man to his knees. Putting it with a sexy club dress or a flirty top is positively lethal, because, even under your favorite sweatshirt, this bra has got you rocking the rack of your dreams.
The Rolls Royce
This term applies to any piece of lingerie that cost way more than you would ever admit to spending. (My Rolls Royce is an emerald green steel boned corset that I had commissioned for a Poison Ivy cosplay.) Nevertheless, you can’t help but gaze in rapture every time you take it out. It’s more than just a piece of lingerie. It’s a work of art. Every time you wear it, you feel like you should be doing that Queen of England wave, because you are fancy as hell. Treat yourself to something gorgeous that you (and your lover) will truly appreciate.
Whether it’s for the workplace, a lavish night out, or a sexy night in, no woman should be without a pair of classic, thigh high stockings.
The Thong That Doesn’t Suck
This is a real rarity in the lingerie universe. Every now and then, Life throws us a thong that you can wear all day, every day and do so without wanting to rip it off and fashion it into a noose to hang yourself. When you find this thong, hold onto it for as long as possible and enjoy the era of no panty-lines and comfortable sexuality while it lasts
The Thong That Just Fucking Sucks
This accounts for 90% of the thong world, but we women suffer this fact with grace because we all know that a life without panty lines is worth the anguish.
The Cheat Code
I wish I understood why men love thongs as much as they do, because, to me, there’s nothing sexy about the idea of my partner wearing glorified butt floss. But, as all women know, thongs are synonymous with sexy in the minds of men. I’m here to present the solution: a flirty cheeky panty is the perfect middle ground. It reveals just enough booty to start your lover’s engines, but saves you from that atomic wedgie feeling. Add a little silk and a lace trim and you’re in business.