1. Ginger and Brigitte (Ginger Snaps, 2000)
If you’re unfamiliar with this cult classic: two sisters encounter a werewolf and one (Ginger) is bitten. Ginger then goes totally off the rails in the most quotable of ways (Mean Girls status, really) and is constantly mistaking symptoms of her beastly transformation for her first time menstruating. Which, in all fairness, is an easy mistake to make. But you really want a three-way with these two because a. it’s sisters and isn’t that like, a mainstream fetish or whatever? & b. Ginger is a fucking werewolf. The whole thing is begging for some weird, primal, doggie-style shit. There’s an implied sex scene in the movie where the dude banging Ginger can’t even walk the next day. Besides, splitting your attention between two literal personifications of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy surely takes that shit to a whole new level.
2. Jennifer (Jennifer’s Body, 2009)
In the same vein (ha!) as Ginger Snaps, Megan Fox as Jennifer in Diablo Cody’s only “official” horror movie (although I still count Young Adult) is both incredibly hot and aggressive. Sure, she has a habit of eating men alive and all kinds of other nasty activities – but nothing worse than the average tumblr feminist. Plus, she’s totally down for some play with that cute girl-next-door Amanda Seyfried. With a hellish appetite and teenage insatiability, things could last all night. Besides, she’s still Megan Fox for Christ’s sake – just watch her fucking teeth.
3. Regan MacNeil (The Exorcist, 1973)
Linda Blair was 12 when she played Regan but Regan’s also a fictional character so for the purpose of this fantasy she is legal (but still possessed). Of course no one wants to fuck normal Regan. She’s a kid. Ew. Gross. (Although I’m sure there’s a Vice documentary about that). Before becoming the projectile-vomiting-vertebrae-snapping-priest-bully we all know and love her to be, she was kind of a bore. But then – boom – there’s a demon inside her with the voice of Kathleen Turner who can read your fucking mind. Imagine all the crazy shit she would say in bed. Forget the raunchiest Sasha Grey porn you’ve seen – this is the end all be all of “doing it for the story” sex.
4. Laurie Strode (Halloween, 1978)
Unlike the other women on this list, this infamous heroine of Halloween isn’t quite a “monster.” Instead, Laurie Strode is the bookworm babysitter middle-aged dads everywhere jack it to. I mean, who reads King Arthur to eight year olds? Besides being totally hot for the 70’s (see: Jamie Lee Curtis), Laurie is also apparently the only kid with half a brain in Haddonfield. Quick on her feet and creative (a knitting needle, really?), Laurie’s got to be all kinds of fun in the sack.
5. Morticia Addams (The Addams Family, 1964 TV show and 1991 movie)
Not quite ”horror,” but altogether spooky enough to count, Morticia Addams is a Hall of Fame level maven of the macabre. Inspiring countless tattoos and goth make up blunders, this lady in black can’t ever get enough. The trilingual couple constantly sneaks away for afternoon delights. In addition to being exceptionally well read and witty (her pet piranhas are named Tristan and Isolde), she’s also quite the gardener. Not to mention, as morbid matriarch of three beautiful(ish?) children, Morticia is an actual MILF. As if she wasn’t already the total package, check that fucking figure. If her unholy shape (dat hourglass) isn’t enough to inspire some arousal, I pray to Cthulhu for you.