I stood at a ledge, a little over a year ago from today. I stood on that ledge and told you I loved you, and I meant it. I meant it when I told you I loved you and I lied when I told you why I didn’t want to be with you, not so much a lie as just the deepest sense of confusion. But I stood on that ledge, proclaimed my feelings, ready to jump, then I stepped back. I stepped off the ledge and decided I was too scared to the leap. 

When I was 9 years old, I went to a water park with a group of friends. There was this giant water slide, some 50 feet long with the kind of ups and downs that make your stomach drop. All my friends and I got in line. We waited a good 30-45 minutes to get to the top of this popular ride that hundreds of others were standing in line and going down..and not one dying by the time they reach the end of this theme park ride. We all finally reached the top. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Each friend went and I kept inching my way to the back. I told them I would go last. Finally it was my turn, I looked down that slide. I looked at the water slide attendant and asked, “How can I get back down without having to go down the slide?”

Then began my self loathing trek down the stairs I had just come up through the multitudes of people looking at me knowing that I was too cowardly to go down the slide. If this wasn’t enough, I remember seeing my excited friends faces as they waited to see me splash down at the end turn into faces of disappointment as they saw me emerge through the line of people waiting to get to the top. That was over 10 years ago and I still remember to this day the disgust and disappointment I felt with myself for not going down that damn slide. 

This is exactly how I feel with you. I spent a year standing at the top of that slide and you stood for a year waiting for me to meet you at the bottom…and I never did. That is what I can’t get over. Not that I think you’re my soulmate or the only person I could ever love. Though sometimes this fear does slip into my mind. What I know is that I missed out of one of life’s greatest gifts, and that was being loved by you and loving you the same. I know you’re doing better, probably better than you ever were with me and the only solace I have is that.

This is what keeps me up at night. This is the hurt I feel when you cross my mind. This is why it kills me to think I tried us not once by twice. Twice I tried to go down that slide and twice I cowardly turned my back.This is what I despise most about myself…that this was not just the story of us but has been the story of my life.There have been so many slides in my life that I was too scared to go down, so many slides that others cheered to me to the top of and I made my painful way back down from. God, don’t let this be my story. Please God, don’t let this be the theme of my fleeting life. 

You texted me recently and said through the heartbreak of us, you found a better and more fulfilling life. I have not and that’s what kills me. I want this to be the story of us that made me better. 

I guess what I ask now is a request from the universe. I am ready to stop being a coward. God, give me the opportunity and I promise, I will jump this time. I can’t stand on this ledge any longer. Please, don’t give up on me.