Latest Posts

How To Relapse

Barely lean over in time to reach the toilet. Vomit. Get a little in your hair, and try to contain the panic by cracking a joke to yourself about being out of practice. It doesn’t help.

My Childhood Was Marred By Suicidal Goldfish

Excepting two horrific incidents involving goldfish that wished for their own demise, I had an idyllic childhood in one of the (surprisingly numerous) parts of New Jersey that could be confused for Kansas. However, these incidents still haunt me — making me question my existence, and what goes on below the surface of fishbowls across the world.

My Parents Have Really Terrible Taste In Music

I rue the day my mother first walked in to Work Out World. She entered not only a giant gym, but a giant cesspool filled with the dregs of the Top 40. Day after day, I heard her come home and tunelessly warble ‘Bad Romance’ or ‘Where is the Love?’. I’ll be perfectly honest—I love my mother, and she has a lovely singing voice. For church. If you like that sort of thing.