Sometimes it would just be easier to wear a name tag that reads where you’re currently at in life so you don’t have to explain to each person at those awkward family gatherings individually. But instead, you have those painful conversations where you then start to second guess every life decision you’ve made up until that point. This shouldn’t be a surprise, but these inevitable questions and cliché one-liners actually do in fact, get old.
1. What are you going to do after college?
Well, the ideal thing would be to get a job in an area that somewhat involves what I paid four and a half years for, the all-nighters pulled, the seven cups of coffee a day, and the tears cried at 2am when realizing “I’m never going to need to use this in my life.” OR you can move away to Europe for four months and gain 30-something pounds instead.
2. What’s your dream job?
My dream job would to be a product sampler for sheets, that way I can lay in bed all day. But really, come on, what’s your dream job Mr. 40-something year old? And what if my favorite thing to do is nothing?
3. Why are you single?
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me this, I wouldn’t need that college degree to be rich. The real answer varies from day to day. Maybe it’s not my choice; maybe it’s actually me, maybe I’M the problem. The “it’s not you, it’s me” quote applies literally. OR maybe I like myself too much to devote any time to anyone else. And the thought of having to share my already precious time terrifies the living crap out of me. Plus, I like sleeping spread eagle.
4. Is that your boyfriend?
Yes, Dad, every guy I know is my boyfriend.
5. You’re next.
When you’re at your best friend’s or cousin’s wedding, why is it that family members once removed come up to you with the “You’re Next”/side shoulder shrug/one raised eyebrow look?! Listen, the only thing I’m next for is a refill on my vodka tonic.
6. Are you back living with your parents?
Yes, actually, I am. I may have graduated from college and have a full-time job, BUT that doesn’t mean I have all my chickens in a row. I’m still adjusting to waking up rather than going to bed at 5 AM.
7. You’re still young; you have your whole life ahead of you.
I know I have a whole lot of life left to live, but how am I supposed to enjoy it when I’m trying to keep the grass closet to me green?
8. It’s okay, he just wasn’t the one.
Actually, he probably was, but don’t worry, comments like that make me feel 100% better. I just unfortunately happened to be a casualty in someone’s personal battle, and am now left wondering when “the one” is going to make his appearance.