You’re dating! I am so excited for you. It’s a beautiful, exciting, vulnerable place to be—unless you keep meeting guys who “turn out” to be weirdos and abusers. It shouldn’t be this way. If you find yourself in a pattern, that’s the great news! Because if it’s a pattern, that means there’s a code. You can crack it and therefore find and attract better men.
Here are the top red flags to look for when dating:
1. He doesn’t directly ask for what he wants.
He beats around the bush about asking you out. He makes cryptic sideways remarks. He uses he subtle crafty art of implication to commueate. For example, “So does your boyfriend go running with you?” He suggests things or makes passive-aggressive comments, however subtle, instead of just saying the damned thing straight up. If you continue dating this man, and down the road when you’re having a conversation about the seriousness of your relationship, what kind of conversation do you want to have? “So, are you like seeing other people or something? I mean I don’t care or whatever…” OR “I’d like this to be exclusive.” When you need a real answer about how they feel, do you want a man who will be able to give a genuine answer? However endearing his “insecurity” might appear to be, it’s not cute. It indicates his inability to be direct and to identify his own emotions and intentions.
2. The insistence that he’s a “Nice Guy.”
If someone feels the need to constantly voice that he is so laid back or so nice and friendly, he’s probably not. Nice Guys are people pleasers who lack integrity. Somewhere underneath his Nice Guy veneer is a person who really doesn’t know if he’s a “good person” and is constantly trying to prove it to others and to his own ego. This can also be indicative of an entitlement complex and a subconscious (or conscious) belief in patriarchal ideals: i.e., if he is a man and you’re a woman, you owe him something, and/or if he spends time or money, you especially owe him something.
3. His inability to answer questions that you ask him directly.
Test it out! Even if it’s a first date or you’ve just met. Ask a risky, pointed question… something that’s really on your mind, and watch his reaction. Does he react without thinking? Does it seem as though he’s trying to figure out what you want him to say? Does he seem uncomfortable as though he’s lying or glossing over? Men who are secure in their selves will take time to ponder and answer honestly. They will give a direct answer and make eye contact. If they don’t understand, they’ll seek clarity. If they don’t know, they’ll say they don’t know.
4. He has expectations of you before getting to know you.
For example, if you don’t date him, you must at least be his friend. If you’re making out, he takes your clothes off first chance he gets. He expects sex if you get him. He expects your attention. He expects your time. Let’s be clear: If this man is someone whom you don’t know and you’re just becoming acquainted with, you don’t owe him shit. You shouldn’t have expectations of him, and neither should he of you. This is the exciting thing about dating! You’re coming to learn WHAT the expectations and boundaries are. If a man is testing your boundaries the first or second time you speak to him or go out with him…huge red flag. The testing of boundaries, as it is in children, will never end with this person.
5. An inability to listen or understand.
People who make excessive small talk don’t know what types of questions to ask to get to know you. If he listens only for the sake of responding, he is not a strong communicator and will forever leave you feeling emotionally unsatisfied in a relationship. The easiest way to tell if someone has a genuine interest in you as a human being is this: When you speak, does he sometimes ask questions to gather more information about what you’ve just said, or does he always respond with statements about himself? Is there depth to the conversation, or does it feel like ping-pong?
The subtle ways people communicate instantly uncovers their ability to be in a healthy, meaningful relationship. Use analytical discernment combined with intuition. Be UNAPOLOGETIC in your refusal of people who give off bad vibes or are obviously weak communicators.
How do you stop attracting these people?
This is the most beautifully simple part: Be gentle but fierce in your “No.” Speak your boundaries. Be honest. If he continues pushing your boundaries, stand firm. This sends a clear and resounding “NO” to the universe, too. The question the universe always sends back is, “If not this, then what do you want?” Don’t get hung up on the fact that you were excited and it turned out to be another one of THOSE guys. Visualize what you do want, then let it go. It only takes a few good “no’s” before the universe will deliver a soul mate that you weren’t ready for when you kept entertaining these other guys.
You are worth being listened to. You are worth being respected. You are worth being treated like a human being. You are worth a man who is on your level and can communicate with you in a clean and direct way.
Now, no fucks left for fuckboys…deal?