I recently went out with a man who chose our first date to tell me about the Asian chick he once dated who got off on giving him a colonic. I don’t consider myself a prude, but I would categorize myself a prudent woman — a woman who would probably see this story as a red flag. But he had bought me guacamole on this date, so I was a little distracted.
And just like that, with the exotic thrill of experiencing avocados in Brooklyn, our 2-month courtship began. He seemed like a level-headed human. He seemed like someone who could fix your radiator given a few tools; or at least someone who has enough money in the bank and good sense to call a heating professional to look at it. He probably does his own taxes instead of schlepping to H&R Block because, unlike you, the thought of facing government forms on his own doesn’t make him queasy. He was charming in that highly curated Instagram way; where everything out of his mouth on further inspection was the perfectly quippy caption for an ironic photo. He was thoughtful; like I said, the man had enough foresight to feed me guacamole on our first date and not argue when I slapped his hand away the moment it approached the bowl. It had been so long since I had felt a connection with anyone that I didn’t know how to handle being swept off my feet by his cable TV and comfortable sectional. But being in a pseudo relationship with this man had me questioning everything: I have to shave my legs FOUR times a week now? Am I drunk enough for this? And Is he sober enough for…anything? ever?
His antics, compounded with the pop culture spike in calling every girl you know on Instagram and IRL a basic bitch, I realized I was dating the basic bitch of the male species: the Bro.
The Bro can sneak up on you. You may try and rationalize that his amazing apartment in a prime location and his highly respected job disqualify him from Bro status, but you would be a fool, dear girl. Below I’ve compiled the top 5 key ways you know you’re dating a Bro based on my personal experience.
1. The Bro cares about his social following above all else.
Above his own mother? Well no, not if she’s the 11th liker on a photo — the catalyst in making the names disappear and taking away the need for him to do it himself or deleting the photo for being an absolute failure of a captured moment. To him, social media is realer than real life. It’s also more important.
2. The Bro will create his own hashtag.
Oftentimes this is most efficiently achieved by mashing together his own name and the current season — which he will assign to his own photos and claim he’s trending. This also allows him to peruse old pictures at his leisure and admire how flattering the Lo-Fi filter was on his complexion in the springtime light. He will also verbally declare this hashtag during actual moments in life as they’re happening despite the fact that only those around him were actual witnesses.
3. A Bro will likely attempt to distance himself from any Bro tendencies by drinking rose instead of beer or Jameson.
But don’t worry — he’ll get just as wasted on pink wine as he would on hard liquor. You’ll still get to carry him out of the bar and stuff him in a cab as he makes racists comments to your driver while simultaneously professing his undying love for you after three weeks of knowing each other’s last names. It’s a win-win-win.
4. The Bro loves a tank.
In fact, The Bro cares very much about fashion; albeit misguided fashion. He takes pride in his wardrobe; safely storing his weed patterned hi-tops in the original box after returning from a rave.
5. The Bro will always know he’s the best looking one in the relationship.
Whether or not he drunkenly yells this at you at a crowded party, he’ll always believe it as deeply as his shallow soul allows.
I think it’s important for every woman to date at least one Bro in her lifetime. It provides some much-needed perspective on what you ACTUALLY want from a partner in life. It also makes you feel like a true winner for things as complex as your sobriety, your grasp on reality in general, and your ability to feel feelings such as compassion for other breathing organisms.