I’m Sorry I Wasn’t Ready To Love You

I’m so sorry I wasn’t ready to love you when you wanted or needed it. I’m sorry I’m guarded and careful and don’t fall into things quickly. I’ve been hurt in the past more than I thought a human heart could handle, and I just barely survived it. I’m careful because I thought if I had to go through heartbreak another time, it might actually kill me. I guess I was wrong.

I’m not going to ask you to leave her, to reconsider, to love me and come back to me. I know it’s too late and I’m an adult and can accept there are consequences to my actions. Asking you to do that is not fair to me, to you, or to her.

I can’t be your friend. You want everything to be fine, for us to continue on and be close but it won’t work for so many reasons. I’ll become the ghost who haunts your current relationship, the name that gets brought up when you fight, the point of contention you hate discussing every time she gets upset. I’ll only get in your way and complicate what might be something really great for you.

I can’t be your friend because you finally wore me down and made me love you again. Trust me, I wish I could still see your name pop up on my phone and smile to myself like I always do. But I would just be a second thought receiving a recycled story, a joke already told. I respect myself enough to not be that for anyone, no matter what. The difference in our rejections is you are moving on with someone else, whereas I was just trying to keep my life afloat and figure out what would be best for me. You stuck around, you kept in contact because you knew there was always a small chance I would change my mind. I know you won’t.

I appreciate you wanting me to stay in your life, but it’s purely selfish. It’s not for my benefit, it’s for yours. I wish I could be okay, I wish I didn’t feel like I am going to throw up when I see her comment on your Instagram pictures, but I can’t. I’m happy for you but I can’t sit front row center while you fall in love with someone else. I love myself way too much to allow that to occur.

What I do want you to know is I love you. You’re the first person I’ve trusted or cared for in a very, very long time. You were one of the few people I felt had my back — the only person I could trust to show all of me, good or bad, and know I wouldn’t be judged. I love you for the way you listen, how deeply you care, how you always know the right thing to say to make me laugh or feel better. I love you for forcing me to feel again, even if that’s reduced me to a puddle of tears. I love your little half-smile and the way you lean in and roll your eyes when you’re saying something you know is ridiculous. I love how you laugh, I love hearing you get angry even though I know that annoys you, I love the fact that you are literally the loudest human being I know. I love the soft curl of your hair and how the light catches your blonde highlights. I love how standing next to you makes me feel so small but so safe. I have loved every second of every day I have ever spent with you, and I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated that it has come to an end.

I’m sorry this didn’t happen on your timeline, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much I loved you until it was too late. If I had known about her earlier, if you had told me about this when you should have, I would have kept myself in check and none of this would have happened. I want more than anything for you to be happy. Neither of us will be happy if we stay friends, it won’t work out for any party involved. Maybe later, when the dust settles and I go back to feeling nothing, we can pick things up again. But for now you have to let me feel this and move on, add it to the list of intensely hard lessons I have learned over the last few years.

I want to be so selfish and say yes, stay here, stay next to me, be the person I can text or call when I have a bad day or I need advice. Be the person I can always reach out to, who will let me know there is someone in this horrible fucking world who gives a shit about me. I won’t do that. I can’t do that. What I will do is cry about it for a little bit, let myself feel this until it drains everything from my body and then move on. I can only imagine there is some cosmic force pushing me towards whatever big thing I am meant for — that this never worked between us for a reason neither of understand — that some day we’ll both be exceptionally happy in our own ways. And because I love you that is truly what I want for you, in the most selfless way possible, and that is why I need to walk away from all of this and give you a chance to be happy with someone else. TC mark

featured image – Sophia Louise

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