You probably read the title of this article and either thought I was some Mother Mary type or self deluded. In today’s generation devoted to social media, no one pretends like looks aren’t important. I’m a girl through and through and take lots of pride in maintaining a certain (high) level of attractiveness. But bear with me, please, while I explain myself.
One area that I am definitely not shallow is when it comes to relationships.
I am almost 27 years old and have been dating for about a decade and it just dawned on me that my constant sexual unhappiness might not be completely my fault.
I need to stop dating “nice” guys and start factoring in attraction. I’m not saying I should start banging gorgeous assholes, but maybe stop having sex with guys who I don’t feel a spark with (what a crazy concept).
Like most things, I blame my mother for the way I am. Growing up I was constantly badgered about finding a “nice” stable guy. When I would complain about not wanting a boy to kiss me she would respond, “But he’s so nice, Caitlin! There aren’t a lot of nice young men out there…” If it was up to my conservative Catholic mother, I would be a Disney princess and stumble upon my Prince Charming in the forest and everything would end with the first chase kiss.
I just got out of a long term relationship with a guy who absolutely adored me and would do anything to make me happy. Bob (obviously not his real name, who names a kid Bob anymore??) was very cute, had a great job, came from an amazing family, and was all around very “nice”. One of the biggest issues with Bob was he was cute in a One Direction band member way…and I’m not into One Directioners. In fact, if anything they make me feel a little bit like a pedophile, a cougar fantasizing about a high schooler. It probably won’t be shocking (but it was to me) that when this Prince Charming kissed me I felt nothing. I wasn’t repulsed but I definitely wasn’t turned on. I described it as kissing marshmallows, sweet but wholly unsatisfying. My friends diagnosed me with “you’re just not that (sexually) into him”, but me being the obsessively obtuse person I am thought it was my issue. I tried toys, lubricants, new positions and even looked into getting a prescription for female Viagra. You probably think I’m ridiculous but the reason I didn’t just accept that there was no chemistry or passion between us was because I didn’t want to give up someone who treated me so well. I thought I could fix MY issue then we would ride off into the sunset.
Finally enough was enough and I couldn’t keep feeling guilty about always avoiding sex with him and secretly lusting after other guys. I ended things. Well, I attempted to like 8 times and each time chickened out until one night after 4 tequila shots I broke down and gave the cliché “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. When actually it was him, and me not being into him.
I realized I needed to stop dating guys whose top trait is they are nice to me. I am 27 years old and being sexually attracted to one another is just as important as any other characteristic. In fact, doesn’t that kind of separate you from being in a relationship and just friends? I realize that everyone says sex becomes less important the longer you are together, but screw that, I think sex should always be important. I want to be an 85 year old who still wants to jump her “sexy” hubby. Sexual interest may ebb and flow in a relationship but at points it needs to flow.
Bob may very well be the last nice guy left in California (kind of seems like it) and I very well may end up getting my heartbroken by the next guy I date who I am actually attracted to but who cares? Life is too short (but seems so long) to just feel marshmallows for someone. Being nice the most important trait should not be my top requirement in a boyfriend??
Why can’t I be with someone who is kind AND want to bang all night long?
In hindsight I held Bob back as well in this whole thing, he deserves to be with a girl who gets butterflies when they kiss and wants to reenact romance novels with him in the bedroom. And I damn well deserve the same!