You’re Not Supposed To Have It All Figured Out

Cristian Newman

You’re not supposed to know.

I hear this a lot from myself and my peers, but I know it expands across all ages groups and lifestyles: “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

We beat ourselves up like we are supposed to know. Seriously, think about it, how the hell are you supposed to know?

You were dropped on this earth just like the rest of us. We were all brought into this world not knowing why. Let that sink in for a moment. Then give yourself some credit. Look at what you’ve done. Look how far you’ve made it, all the while not knowing.

I do believe there is an innate eternal knowing within us, but it is not who is operating this vessel. An innate piece of heaven handed you the keys however many years ago and said I trust you, let’s do this. It speaks, and you are to listen, but you are not to know it all.

You did not come here to know it all. You came here to be human. Relax in that.

You are loved, support, and guided by forces so strong your head would explode.

We live in a world that expects results and it expects them yesterday.

I took this class in my last semester in college called Mystic Spirituality. I absorbed that class like the richest of foods. It was the first thing in my life that confirmed that God was bigger than I had been taught. That God reached across and was within all different religions, countries, books, and souls. It’s where I learned about St. John of the Cross’ idea of The Dark Night of the Soul. An idea that confirmed my depression was divine. But the phrase I want to share today that I carry with me from this course is “Tranquillo.”

It means calm, and the word to me derived from a poem or piece in Spanish that our teacher had us read. It spoke to my soul.

Be still. And you’re okay. Right there, you’re okay.

Right where you are, it’s perfect. Over the course of history, I guess we came up with all these rules about how things should be. Pardon my French, but I think a lot of them are bullshit. You’re not supposed to be somewhere by your age. There is not a checklist of things you should have completed by now. You don’t have to have a certain job. You don’t have to wear your hair a certain way. You don’t have to be with a certain person, or any person at all.

Go against the grain. It is not easy, but I think if enough of us do it we can create a new norm. And that norm will not be called a norm it will be called freedom.

You can’t mess this thing up. The only way you can mess this thing up is by staying in a small consumer sized box. And even then, if you do stay in that box, you’re not wrong. But just make sure you’re being true.

Get out of your box if you feel stuck. You don’t need permission, but if you want it here it is: Go be [insert your name here].

What’s stirring in your soul right now? Our souls are quiet but they are are not subtle. What did you want as a child? What nags at you? I’m not talking astronauts and veterinarians, unless that’s what is actually nagging, because that’s pretty damn cool. I’m talking as small as the way you dress and the way you spend your time. I’m talking as big as a career change or moving to that city you google pictures of. I’m talking haircuts, nose piercings, tattoos, and questioning your beliefs.

Your beliefs, that’s a good one. Where’d you get those? Are they yours? I just want to make sure. Did someone hand them to you? Check in on that.

If you smoke, or you drink, or you eat a little too much, that’s okay. Just make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Just make sure you are being yourself.

Yourself, that’s a good one too. Where’d you get that? Did someone hand it to you?

My journey began when I started asking questions. I’ve always had a million questions stirring in my little head, but as I grew older something said, “No, no, no, little Caitlin, here is how the world works. Here are the things you say. Here are the clothes you wear. And here’s the direction you go.”

Then somewhere down the line I said, “No, no, no, but wait, who is this God you speak of, why does he seem so small, why is he a he, why do I have to wear this, why can’t I say this, and why do I have to do that?”

Have you become something or have you created something?

You were born where you were born for a reason. You were handed what you’ve been handed for a reason. There are things outside of our control, but there are immense things within our control.

Are you going to play that hand you’ve been dealt, or are you going to let it play you?

We can’t change the world or ourselves (same thing) over night. But that’s precisely the journey. We came here to uncover, discover, to fail, to laugh, and to become what we always have been.

Start somewhere, big or small, and do the damn thing. It’s time. TC mark

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