1. Okay, let’s meet some people!
2. I am not getting to know a person named Tank.
3. Or Free? Is that a nickname?
4. That is a picture of your car, not your face.
5. Every picture you have looks like it’s of a different person. Did you just search “attractive men” on Google images and take it from there?
6. Wait, we have 12 mutual friends?! Who are you?!
7. That’s a meme, not your face. Although I guess it could technically be your face. How would I feel about dating a meme guy? I guess I wouldn’t hate it.
8. Okay, you’re hot. So I just swipe to the right, and that means yes, I find you visually appealing? This is too much like online shopping.
9. Literally everyone I’ve swiped yes to is a match for me so far. I can’t be that attractive, can I?
10. I’m definitely not that attractive.
11. *Text from friend who is also using Tinder* “No sir, I do not want a three second Snapchat of your penis. But thank you for asking.”
12. 72 mutual friends?! You’re stalking me.
13. Why are you in costume in every picture? Is it always Halloween where you are?
14. Maybe I picked a good picture?
15. That’s a nice inspirational quote, but it’s still not a picture of you. Though I agree, don’t worry be happy. Right on, dude. Now show me your apparently happy face.
16. Wouldn’t it be weird if I accidentally swiped away my future husband? Am I the only one who thinks about these things?
17. Okay, guys must swipe yes for every girl.
18. I can only assume that since you only included your abs in this picture, your face is probably hideous.
19. I’m sorry, that was mean. I’m sure you’re lovely-looking! Maybe.
20. I’m losing my mind.
21. Were you trying to make yourself sound like an asshole in your profile? “Brewskis and pussy,” really?
22. What if all of these guys have terrible personalities? Maybe that’s why they have to use Tinder to find someone?
23. But then why am I on Tinder? Sigh. Never mind. Theory debunked. Unless I secretly suck.
24. I don’t know where any of you live though — I’m not coming all the way to New Jersey just to meet a stranger.
25. Is it bad that I’m saying no to some guys because I hate their names?
26. But seriously, your name can’t actually be Wasabi. I love wasabi, but it is not a name. Fact.
27. Why is your hair a different length in every picture?
28. This is very similar to shopping for a dog.
29. *Text from friend who is also using Tinder* “Everyone is lying and no one is real.”
30. Shit, wait, if I’m saying “Yes,” to you am I basically saying that I want to have sex with you? What if I’m just trying to meet people? I don’t want to have sex with strangers!
31. Why am I even using this thing?
32. Are any of you even real?
33. Nothing is real?!
34. I hate the Internet.
35. Wait, is this considered online dating? Or is it like…phone app dating?
36. I hate technology.
37. Which guy is you in this picture? And this one…and this one?
38. Seriously, stop with the group photos. I only want one guy. No orgies. Please and thank you.
39. *Message from Tinder guy* “Well, look what Tinder dragged in.” No, no, NOPE ugh abort mission.
40. That is a puppy. Not a person. Fact. I’ll take it, though.
41. Either that’s you as a baby or someone has no idea what this app is for.
42. Why would I need to know what you look like as a baby? To see what my future kids could look like? I reject that.
43. *Conversation with Tinder guy* Whiskey or vodka?” “Whiskey?” “Nice, want to come over and have some?”
44. AH FUCK I didn’t mean to swipe no to you COME BACK! Is he gone forever now?! I STILL DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!
45. Why am I so invested in this?
46. Why are you making out with a girl in a picture that you posted on an app to meet girls?
47. Wait, so do you have a beard or don’t you? Your pictures are misleading. Does that mean I get to pick beard or no beard once we go out? That’s a lot of responsibility to give a girl from the Internet.
48. You’re all doing this wrong.
49. You realize I’m not going to swipe yes if I can’t tell which person you are, right?
50. That girl in your picture looks like she’s totally in love with you and she’s way hotter than me, what are you even doing?
51. I think I hate this.
52. *Text from friend who is also using Tinder* “Why haven’t I deleted this app yet?
53. Dino? Like a Dinosaur?
54. Olaf? Like the snowman?
55. This app wasn’t meant for writers.
56. I think in a lot of these profiles the first picture of themselves is someone else. Clever, Tinder boys. So sneaky.
57. I might want to name my kid that name though… so I don’t know if this can work. I need to keep my naming options open.
58. Our only shared interest from Facebook is Obama… I wonder what that means?
59. I bet all the ones I’m swiping away are actually super nice. I feel bad now. Maybe I should just swipe yes for everyone?
60. I’m really bad at this.
61. Your dog totally overshadows you in this picture
62. Is that a bowling alley that you’re flashing your nipple in?
63. I can’t do this.
64. I think I went to school with one of the other guys in your picture. Awkward.
65. *Text from a friend who is also using Tinder* “I shouldn’t have given this guy my Snapchat.”
66. Using adorable kids in your pictures with you is cheating.
67. To be honest, I probably won’t message any of you anyway.
68. *Tinder boy sends a Youtube video link* Why did you just send me a video of a Japanese TV show?
69. I’m done now.