Empty. My life feels empty. And it’s funny because I was always the one who acted like I was so independent. I was the one who always thought I needed space. The one who tried to be her own person.
But now it’s you who is leaving and it’s me who is scared. We all knew it would be you, let’s be honest. But I always saw myself out there as well. I saw myself chasing sunsets and literally chasing boys by your side until we just stopped existing altogether.
I never entertained the thought that you could live a life, a full as hell life, out in the world without me.
And to be honest, I’m scared shitless, sitting on my bed in my parents’ house, in a going-nowhere town. I tried to fill the gap I knew would form with many things. A boy was first. We both know I’m no good with that. I tried for a couple weeks with sleep. That just made me more tired. I gave yoga a day. I read two books. I even painted my nails that pink colored polish that I refuse to get rid of. I did all these things and yet you are still leaving. Tomorrow it will be more than real as you board a plane going in the opposite direction of my life. And don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you in ways that I don’t think my words can express. But life without you by my side is less of a life than I want to live.
I’ll make it though. Each tea filled and tear filled day at a time. I’ll make friends. I’ll maybe read some more books that clutter my shelves. Maybe they’ll teach me something. And there will be a day I visit you, of course.
It will take time, but lady, I think one day I can be as beautiful of a person without you as I feel when I’m with you.
I’ll laugh at inappropriate times and eat my feelings and coo at every dog and baby that crosses my path. I’ll speak my mind and stand up for what I know is more than constitutionally right but morally and humanly good. I will smile at strangers and reconnect with old friends and you might even hear that I make a name for myself. I will find happiness here but know that I only have the strength to do it alone because I had you with me for so long, showing me how to do it.