1. You. Wait. An. Hour. In. Between. Texts. Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Text me back before I overanalyze every text I’ve sent you in the last 72 hours. I’m going to have a panic attack. DEAR GOD TEXT ME BACK.
2. You consume shitty drinks. You’re what? Twenty-five? I’m not expecting you drink Johnny Walker Blue… but Natty Light? Really, dude? Have a little self-respect. And don’t you dare ask me if it’s “cool” if you just pick up some Georgi instead of Stoli. It is not “practically the same thing.”
3. You pinch/ poke/ jab me. Do I look like I am enjoying that? Do I? You are in for a world of pain if you keep that crap up. And don’t even get me started on tickling.
4. You ask me to watch sports/ play video games/ etc. You’re sweet. Really. And if I didn’t suck at Mario Kart or have major confusion over the rules of football, I’d join in. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. You deserve to play with someone who won’t hold you back. So let’s just not and say we never will.
5. You live in filth. I’m not asking you to fold all of your clothes and sweep the floor every day. But maybe don’t leave hamburger meat out on the counter overnight in July and then think it’s “totally cool” to eat it the next day? That would make me feel better about your well-being. I worry.
6. You eat poorly. Baby. You’re only hurting yourself. That metabolism won’t stay fast for long.
7. You dress too young or too old for your age. Don’t overthink it. Just stick with jeans and Converse, man. Regardless of age, it’s fail-proof. And this is kind of unrelated but please don’t wear sandals. Ever.
8. You rag on pop music. I can hear you blasting Katy Perry’s “Fireworks” through your Beats by Dre. You don’t need to pretend you don’t like it. You can be a man and still like “Party in the USA.” I promise.
9. You put no effort into getting ready but you always look good. How do you do this? As women, we put ourselves through the wringer to be “beautiful.” (It seriously takes me forever to get ready.) Then there’s you guys. You throw on the jeans you wore yesterday and run your hands through your hair and voila! You look so goddamn handsome. And I’m like, really? REALLY? It’s total bullshit. Ugh. Did I mention you were really handsome?
10. You are super nice and considerate when I’m mad at you. Seriously. Is there nothing worse than being pissed at some guy and then he does something adorable like makes you pumpkin spice coffee or offers you his jacket? Guys! You have like, a special sensor that detects the exact time you should be awesome and thwart our female angst with you. How do you do it? I’m not even mad. I genuinely want to know.
But hey, I still love you guys. Please keep sending me music on Spotify and texting me about the latest Wes Anderson movie. Omg. Love that. You may drive me insane but you’re kind of the best.