The Promises We Both Broke

Flickr / Kate Ter Haar
Flickr / Kate Ter Haar

You were the first boy I ever loved. Romantically or friendly? Well—that’s a question I just don’t have the answer to. Maybe it was a little bit of both. You were the first boy that ever made me feel like I was worth it. You knew everything about me—my hopes, my dreams, my deepest secrets and insecurities, yet you never seemed to let any of it change the way you felt about me.

We were best friends—you know—the kind of best friends that everyone just assumed were dating. You were the only person I’d want to see on my bad days, letting me vent and cry to you as much as I needed. You were the first person I’d want to see on my best days because I knew you’d be happy that I was happy.

Of course, we fought like an old married couple. We’d squabble about stupid things. I’d be angry for three minutes until you cracked a joke that made me forget why I was even upset in the first place. Then we’d continue to laugh for hours on end, my previous anger so far in the back of my mind that I couldn’t even recall it.

You were my person. We’d lie under the stars on the soccer field and talk about life until the early hours of the morning. You made me feel so vulnerable, yet so safe. In those early morning hours, we made promises to each other—promises I’d intended to keep.

It wasn’t until tonight, when I needed to pull over from driving on Interstate-91 because I couldn’t stop crying, that I’d realized you’d broken your promises, and now it is time for me to break mine.

I can’t be there for you anymore, like I promised I always would be. I cannot drop everything for you because you had a bad day, and I cannot stay with you all night and rub your back until you fall asleep after you’ve had your heart broken. I can’t invest all of my energy into mending your heart back together while breaking my own in the process.

I promised I’d never write about you, that you were completely off limits, but here I am, bleeding the words I swore I’d never write onto this paper. I guess you knew this would happen, though.

But most of all, I can’t love you anymore. I can’t look past the lies, the flaws, the pain, the ups and downs, and the heartbreak anymore. I hate to admit it, but you completely destroyed our friendship and all of my love for you. Of course, now I’m realizing that I’ve been naïve this entire time. You never loved me, and you knew promises were meant to be broken.

I hope that someday you find true happiness, not just someone who makes you feel less alone. I sincerely hope that when you find her, you don’t destroy her like you did me. I hope that she’s worth it. TC mark

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