January 2016 is coming to a close. That short-lived gusto that accompanies new beginnings is starting to wane. And I haven’t been to that Barre class once. I’m guessing that I’m not the only one who hasn’t been devout to their goals for the new year, as it appears to be a societal trend to be mostly talk and limited walk (obesity jab).
However, instead of taking the traditional route of relapsing into the previous year’s bad habits, I’ve decided to declare February as the month for revisiting projected 2016 improvements and revising them to be more achievable. No more lofty goals like “Exercise more” or “Become a better person.” I’m talking brass-tacks, stripped down to the core stuff that is dumbed down so much you can’t help but meet them. Here are 5 of my realistic resolutions for the rest of the year.
Go outside at least once a day
I would classify myself as a very “indoorsy” person. At one point last year I joined a tanning salon because my skin was on the verge of looking transparent. I was paying 30$ a month to look like I went outside instead of actually going outside. Turns out, outside is free. Vitamin D is also free. Melanin can be oxidized in your own back yard, people! So, for the rest of the year I am going to make it a point to go outside at least once a day. If I’m being honest some days this may translate into only taking a walk to the mailbox. On more ambitious days this might lead to nature explorations or legit sunbathing. Who’s to say? Outside, the sky is the limit.
Throw a salad into at least one meal
The McDonalds down the street from my house knows me by name. The Chick-Fil-A where I get my large Diet Coke with lemon tells me “See you later today,” after they hand me my order and they mean it. Part of me is super proud of this fact and part of me is seriously concerned about my health. Its not that I don’t enjoy healthy food, it is mostly that I’m too lazy to take care of myself.
Instead of taking up a cleanse or cutting out all processed sugar which are commitments that I am not likely to keep, for the rest of the year I am going to have at least one salad a day. It is very likely that this will look like me grabbing a handful of baby spinach from the fridge at a random point during the day. Still counts.
Get rid of Snapchat
All forms of Social Media can make me miserable at times. But I’m not Chris McCandless; I like staying connected to Beth Stern’s foster kittens… and my family and friends. Them too. So for the rest of this year instead of vowing to disappear from the social media scene all together, I will cut back on my presence by giving up my most problematic app: Snapchat.
Snapchat brings with it a whole slue of issues that don’t exist IRL. I have had full-blown arguments with guys I was seeing because they would open up the snap and then not respond to it. You know I can see that, right? It is infuriating! Additionally Snapchat turns me into a self-obsessed Kardashian sister who focuses on bettering my lighting instead of bettering my being.
I spend less time in the moment enjoying an activity that I would deem as “Snap worthy” and more time missing it while I am trying to find the right filter or write up a clever caption. In deleting Snapchat I hope to alleviate some of the social media-specific side effects in my life, a worthy resolution for the lazy millennial in all of us.
Resist the urge to stalk my dates on social media before I meet them
I have watched way too many episodes of Law & Order SVU to feel comfortable going into a blind date truly blind, so I can justify a little cyber stalking. The problem, however, is that I am really bad at moderation. A simple FB scan develops into a Beautiful Mind situation where I have taken the limited information available on you electronically and have used that to construct an imaginary, yet totally believable version of you. Most women do this, so stop your judging.
When I finally meet you IRL you are either a let down in comparison to the fictional version of you I made up, or I selectively focus on the things that confirm my bias, thereby never actually getting to know you. In order to be in a relationship with anything other than my delusions, this year I can keep off of the social media until I give my date a chance to leave a more accurate impression in person. Or at least it will give them the chance to display their fictional version of themselves, you know, dating the old fashioned way.
Dance, hard, whenever I can
I do not like to exercise. I have been known to say that I will only run if it is to food or from a bear, but if we’re being real I would never be in an outdoorsy situation where bears could be a problem, so even that one is out. I’ve tried most exercises out there, but none of them motivate me enough to follow through on a regimen. However, I do like to dance. And dancing burns calories. And I do dance often. My solution is a resolution for the rest of the year to dance more and dance in a way that could pass as aerobic exercise.
Finding dance platforms will be as easy as the pie I will likely consume beforehand. Commercial breaks, stoplights, a Mrs. Doubtfire montage of me cleaning parts of the house, all of these situations are easy enough to incorporate dancing into, in a sneaky enough way that my anti-exercise conscious wont catch on. Additionally, I regularly attend a bi-monthly regional singles dance. The vibe is pretty depressing: the lights are too bright, “Cotton-Eyed Joe” is on rotation, the same 5’2” guy asks me to slow dance right next to the speaker.
The upside of this bleak environment is that it serves as the perfect dance aerobics ground. No one will care how I dance or how much I sweat because the bar is already set so low at these functions. I can just grab a stale Red Vine from the refreshments table and go to town on the dance floor sans disturbance. This resolution double counts as “Attending more social functions,” so way to go me!