Yesterday I realized that I have like no friends. I put the ‘like’ in there because of course I have some friends. I’m not a complete hermit. However, the majority of my close friends are either more than 2 hours away or in a completely different stage of life than me. At some point the difference in lifestyle becomes enough to drive a wedge into any friendship (e.g. I love you but if you tell me about the casserole you made your husband off of a Pinterest recipe I swear I’ll hang up this phone and never call back). Traveling to visit out-of-area friends is fun but expensive. I don’t make enough money to jet down to Orange County any time I need a Gab & Gorge session. Additionally somewhere along the way I stopped trying to make new friends and just assumed that when I met the future Mr. Markham he would be the last friend I’d need. The only problem is that he hasn’t shown up yet.
So here I am. A 25 year-old single female with a dwindling friendship pool and no clue how to replenish it.
“How does one even make friends?” I asked myself in a bewildered and pathetic manner. Initially a flippant thought, this single question morphed into a line of questioning that lasted 3 hours as I attempted to learn how to do something every adult should already know how to do: make new friends.
1. Why don’t I ask my Facebook friends for advice on finding friends in the area?
2. Why did my friends think “Move to where I live” would be an acceptable response to my query?
3. What is the purpose of ‘liking’ this status? Do they think they are being helpful?
4. Why isn’t Adult friend Finder a website for finding plutonic adult friends?
5. Why don’t I re-download Tinder?
6. Why did I re-download Tinder?
7. Why do I keep re-downloading and re-deleting Tinder?
8. Do I have intimacy issues?
9. Do I need to go back to therapy?
10. Should I just give up and go entirely crazy?
11. Should I Google that Grey Gardens documentary? *sings “Tea For Two” for 5 minutes*
12. Why don’t I Google “Activities for making adult friends”?
13. What group sport would be good for someone with little to no physical talent?
14. Why didn’t my parents force me to do sports as a kid?
15. Why is there a 4-page, single-spaced rulebook for group kickball???
16. Don’t 2nd graders play kickball???
17. Do they expect me to read all of this???
18. If heavy reading is going to be involved then should I just join a book club instead?
19. Why are all of the Young Adult Book Clubs turning out to be groups of menopausal women who are obsessed with Young Adult Fiction?
20. Would I even be willing to read a book every month just in order to have friends?
21. Where do I find the people who are too tired for these group activities?
22. Why can’t there be a group of totally normal people who just want to watch TV with me and eat cheesy bread?
23. Why is this so difficult?
24. Do I really need any more friends?
25. Why don’t I just take a nap instead?