You were the first boy I ever let myself love. I completely let you in, which is not something I do. But you made it feel safe. With you I never had to question how you felt about me and I never sought reassurance from you because I felt safe with you. That’s why when you all of the sudden decided you couldn’t be a part of my life anymore because it was “the wrong timing” it completely shattered my world.
I told you that if you left it was going to be for good. I told you that if you left you didn’t have the option of coming back because I thought it might make you decide to hold on. But you still left. I told you that I wouldn’t take you back out of respect for myself. Because deep down I knew that if you tried I’d come running back to you no doubt. But you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve someone who will be there for you only when it’s convenient for you. And I deserve someone who thinks I’m worth it and who won’t just leave when things get tough.
It’s been over a month since that day. You’d think I would be over it by now and moving on with my life. I’m doing fine, and life is good, but you’re still constantly on my mind. I don’t know why I can’t get you out of my head, but no matter how hard I try you’re still always there. The thought of you consumes my mind constantly and it makes me mad that someone who has had no part in my life the past month can still be so much a part of it. Why is it so hard for me to just forget about you?
I think that what makes it so hard for me to move on is that I have nothing but good memories of us. Sometimes I wish that you had treated me like crap, or cheated on me or done something wrong so that I could hate you and realize that I deserve better, but I don’t. Sometimes I wish that we had fought a lot or played games with each other, so that I could realize that we’re better off without each other, but we didn’t.
I always thought that those things were the most painful ways to end a relationship, but I was wrong. The most painful thing is when you both were so good for each other and happy together, but life just makes it impossible to make things work. That is another level of torture.