I love you and I know you love me too but you seem so confused. You have showed me unconditional love and care but you always let me know that it’s nothing. It has no meaning. It’s just what you want to do.
Your actions speak louder than your words. I remember that night when you confessed that your love for me was getting deeper, but I tried to change the topic. I was scared, I didn’t know what to answer so I put up my defenses. It’s not because I didn’t believe you, but it’s because I was scared.
I know you so well, my love. We had unsettled feelings even from the start and we didn’t even try to fix it. We just let it be, but I often wonder what would happen if we actually tried? Would it be the same?
I caught you many times. Those times when I looked at you, and you instantly looked away. Again, I try not to put meaning to it. It’s like almost automatic in my mind and in my body to just instantly ignore your sweet gestures, your extraordinary care.
I can’t seem to understand why I suddenly feel this for you. It’s like a magnet that is hard to detach from.
I had this anger and distrust for you at first. Remember when you told me you loved me but then suddenly rejected me because of another girl? Yet, you still came back to me.
And I actually allowed you and welcomed you and even listened to your dramas and updates in life. Oh boy, I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend that time. You didn’t tell me.
You chose her. Her, your ideal woman. I laughed at myself because yeah… who am I compared to her? I’m just a weird artist who feels deeper than anyone else. Who is a bit more sensitive with existence, with reality. Who gets too emotional with little things like a dead butterfly or a bird with a broken wing.
Who am I compared to her… really… I’m a messed up woman with erratic mood swings. I am just a girl who is evidently eccentric taste in arts. I’m just the one who kinda always argue with you because we are completely opposite when it comes to our temperaments.
I believe in my heart that God is conforming us into His image every time we argue, we fight or we get into our own heights of emotions. When all we need to do is obey what He tells us to do. And that’s to forgive, to love and fix it in His way. And we do, we love because He first loved us. But all of a sudden, something turned 180 degrees and you made a surprising choice.
You chose to leave me hanging by the thread. You chose me to lose my trust in you again. You chose to break your promise. You promised to walk with me in my journey of healing but you ruined me again.
You caused me so much pain and rejection.
I guess I chose this to happen too. I chose to deny what I really felt for you. Why? I don’t know exactly. But I felt this unexplainable fear in my heart. My mind says NO but my heart says otherwise.
I can’t control anything at the moment. Everything seems blurry. I find myself wondering if you’re with her right now, enjoying being happy.
I wanted to choose to abandon you and ignore you. To forget you completely, but my heart is leading me to a different path. I chose not to manipulate or force things. I chose to surrender it to God and let Him take care.
I chose to still love you in silence, in the quiet prayers of my heart. I still pray and hope to God about you, that He will preserve you and guide you. My only desire for you is that you continue to seek God’s will and serve Him. Seek Him first please. Don’t ever forget Him. Put Jesus first. And don’t you ever forget that I am still your friend and when you need me, I will always be there.
As always… I forgive you. I release you. I will give you time and space to find yourself and be happy with her. And whatever this is between us, we may not understand it now but soon, we will in God’s perfect time.