I’ve always been extremely arrogant when it comes to relationships. I was once asked what subject I know the most about and my response was “love.” I don’t know who’s bright idea it was to give me this false sense of confidence in the relationship department, but it’s how I’ve been for as long as I can remember.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been an extremely flawed human being with low self-esteem that I decided to choose something so indefinite that literally anyone is capable of as my discernible area of expertise. What? Try to tell me I’m not an expert of love. You can’t.
So flash forward to all the failed relationships, not only romantically, but platonic as well. How does this happen? Are you not supposed to just love everybody? What if you’re not getting the love you give in return?
I fabricated this idea in my mind that because I knew how to “love” people that I would manifest the ideal relationship with a honeymoon beginning and a fairy tale ending. But failed relationships happen when you expect the honeymoon phase to last forever. And sometimes, what you don’t expect at all is this: the saddest beginnings can be the ones with the happiest endings.
Now, flash forward even further. I’ve come to see myself as not an expert on love, but an expert on my own human potential. Young me did not realize that there IS something I can have definite confidence in, and that is my self. While I can’t control who I fall in love with, I CAN control who I give that love to. And I AM an expert on choosing what is right for me. Try to tell me you know more about myself than I do. Wrong again!
But in all seriousness, when you know yourself, you know you can be bad at love and still succeed in it at the same time. You know your flaws create the best relationships of them all, and without them you wouldn’t be able to choose the perfect life partner.
When I met my love, I knew that we were complete opposites. I knew that I could find someone more like me in order for it to be easier, and that if I wanted to, I would easily find love again. After all, I had always been an expert at love and formulating relationships, ya know?
Instead, I decided not to formulate what I thought of as “love.” Instead, I decided to be myself while still working on myself and now I am in the happiest relationship of my life. Was there an elongated honeymoon phase with vacations and moonlit dinners under the stars?
There was struggle, fighting, and heartache. There was therapy, turmoil, and chaos. There were moments of utter disbelief and moments of discourage. Moments when I realized I didn’t know everything. Moments when I thought I couldn’t take anymore. Moments where everything I knew was challenged. Moments when I didn’t want to be with someone who made me rethink my entire life. Moments when I did. Moments when I wanted to run away. Moments when I had to make a difficult, conscious choice, over feeling an ideal, unconscious ease.
My love told me that the beginning was going to be the hardest. My heart grew even though it was changing. Most people will tell you that it’s supposed to be easy. They’ll tell you that relationships are not supposed to be difficult. But thankfully, I’ve always known enough to at least know better than that.
Not all happy endings have a happy beginning, so don’t get harder just because it gets harder. Stay vulnerable, be yourself, and let those flaws shine, because we are all experts on love. We just need to love the process.