There was something that drew me towards you, and asked me to care for you. And after feeling how big my heart was the moment I looked at you, smiled, and said hello, I practically signed on the dotted line.
But where was the escape clause? Where was the passage telling me how it would hurt to care so much and receive so little?
Maybe I didn’t read the fine print. I had suspected it was the offer of a lifetime. I took a leap of faith, never thinking about the consequences, and never reading between the lines.
I was always careless. It was hard for me to find things that I was truly passionate about, and although I came across comfortably complacent, I wasn’t as satisfied and nonchalant as I seemed.
So many friends, men, jobs, and situations left my heart feeling less full. Life always had me hoping there was something out there that I could care more about, and once I found it, I would carelessly give my heart away.
But until then, I just couldn’t care any less.
Caring was exhausting. I was surround by people who were so lackluster, that I eventually became uninspired. I was stuck in a rut, and I wanted more. I wanted something that made me feel more afraid, so I could feel more alive. I wanted someone that made me say, “I could not care any more about this person.”
It was the moment I met you that I realized I never wanted anything more in my life, and that is true fear. Because caring is never wanting to lose something, and it scared me how much I cared about losing you.
The more I thought about you, the more I thought that there was nothing on earth that I desired more. And it was a good feeling, knowing just how much I could want something.
But you wanted me to care less.
You thought I cared too much, and accused you of not caring enough. You wanted me to stop worrying if there was someone else out there, and stop wondering if you cared about us as much as I did. You wanted me to stop desiring more from you, but you didn’t want me to see when you stopped taking care of what we had.
You wanted me to just let it go. You said I was too concerned with people who had more out of life and relationships, that I didn’t realize how many people had so much less.
If only you knew how wrong you were. If only you understood how good I knew I had it. Because I was one of those people who had cared less. I was one of those people who craved more, and saw that in you. I saw so much in every little thing that we had, that I wanted you to feel as empowered as you made me feel.
So if you think for one second that I wanted to care any less about the person I cared about the most, then I have one thing to say to you…
I’m not afraid of being the one to care more.
Being afraid of caring is safe, but it’s no way to live. I had known that, because I lived that way. And I knew that once I started caring, I never wanted to stop.
Thinking of all the years of my life I wasted not being passionate left me so disappointed. I walked through life always wondering, but never opened myself up to possibilities, until I met you.
And all those times you told me not to care, it only fueled me to care more.
Maybe there was something about the particular way in which you’ve given up on life, that scared the life back in to me.
Yes, I loved you, but I loved the way you made me feel even more. And I can’t thank you enough for asking me to stop caring, because it showed me that no matter how hard I tried, I was destined to think the world of the world. I was made to idolize the ideal. I was born to believe in the epitome of intimacy.
I couldn’t make you believe as much as I did. I couldn’t save you, and pull you out of complacency, but there was still time for me.
It crushed me watching you crumble under a pile of problems that you created for yourself. You could’ve let me crumble too, but you saved me. You took me out of that downward spiral and gave me a reason to look up.
So now, each time I look up into the clouds, I think of how little people I love have cared. I think of how few and far between are those who believe in selfless devotion and how few would carelessly give their heart away to those who need it more. I think of all the people who are lost in the convenience of luxury. I think of how truly uninspired one must’ve become to give off a false sense of security and how hard they must try to appear so satisfied.
I feel how big my heart is looking up at those clouds, smiling, and saying goodbye.
I was found that day I signed on the dotted line. I was awoken the moment I took that leap of faith, and you may think I’ve fallen, but I learned to fly. I found the escape clause, and one day I will stop caring about you, but I will willingly sign my heart away again. Because I could care less, but I don’t want to.