This Is Is Why I’m Single (And No, I Don’t Want You)

Imani Clovis
Imani Clovis

Since when is being single synonymous with being desperate? As soon as you get out of a relationship, people assume it opens the floodgates to instant submission and they need to strike while the iron is still hot, as if your past relationship has lowered your standards so much that you don’t even have to have a conversation with someone before you sleep with them.

People think just because they spit a few vague phrases at you like, “You deserve better,” and “I can’t believe you dated that jerk,” that you’re going to swoon and say, “I know right?! Like, finally someone gets me.” But, I have a little news for the people out there who prey on vulnerability and think they’ve mastered the art of sex appeal, and they may want to sit down for this one: I still don’t want you, and here are my reasons why.

1. Your game is not any indication of who you are.

So, you know how to manipulate women in to going home with you. Congratulations. Am I supposed to succumb to every guy who knows how to be charming for five minutes? Maybe we all have been watching a little too much Bachelorette, but I need a little bit more than a few drunken conversations to fall madly in love with you. What if you are an axe murderer and plan on stowing my body parts in your basement? Or worse, what if I actually sleep with you and then never hear from you again? You think you are doing me a favor but now I feel stupid and used for falling for yet another ploy to make you feel like some female body conqueror.

2. I’m single, but I’m not stupid.

I know that not only do you think your “game” is the be all end all of your reputation, but this tactic has also somehow managed to work for you in the past. Why else would you take so much offense to someone saying a simple no thank you? I appreciate the confidence but how many girls have you actually slept with in order for you to be conditioned into thinking this one simple exchange is going to get the same positive result? I find it offensive that you think every girl who is single won’t have the right mind to make a decision based off her morals and not off some sort of numbers game.

3. I’d rather use my relationship as a learning experience than an excuse to be easy.

This is a big one because you can’t blame this on the poor souls who are just used to getting what they want when the fact of the matter is, they get it. I think this one is about taking accountability and realizing that the best way to get over someone is not by getting under someone else. Maybe your relationship did not work out because you need to do some soul searching, and what better time to start than right away? Yeah you can have your fun along the way, but don’t get lost looking every where you turn for the next guy when you should really be focusing on yourself.

4. I’m making more conscious decisions to better myself.

Maybe a year ago I would have thought the end of a relationship meant the beginning of a life with no strings attached and no rules. I would have thought that I was winning some artificial competition by getting with more people than my ex and getting with the hot guy at the bar who made him look like a poor man’s George Constanza. But if I fall into the same routine I was in a year ago, how am I moving forward? How am I bettering myself to become more appealing to the guy who is going to treat me well and not just the guy who tells me a few pretty words. I already know how easy it is to attract someone and catch a fish in this giant sea, but what takes more effort is becoming someone that I can be proud of and choosing to be alone and happy, over temporary satisfaction.

5. I’m just not interested.

I shouldn’t even need an excuse. If I said yes to every guy who came up to me, then I would have no standards whatsoever and no sense of self or dignity. I know there are some people in this world who are able to lower their standards so much that they somehow think it makes them impervious to pain, but I’ll take a few burns from the guys who have met my expectations and just keep raising the bar. I have been hurt in the past, so being with someone who doesn’t care about me might make it easier to stop feeling emotional for a little while, but I’m not interested in closing myself off emotionally, and I’m certainly not interested in emotionally unavailable men. You attract the kind of love you send out into the world, and I want to attract someone who is interested in me on a deeper level, rather than someone I have to convince myself to be interested in.

I may be setting myself up for years of loneliness. I may have the unpopular opinion when it comes to moving on and getting over someone. But there’s one thing I have gained as a result of my loss, and that is self respect. Self respect is one of the hardest and most rewarding things to gain and it is also the most easily lost. I have moments where I just feel like letting go and accepting opportunities even when I don’t necessarily want them, but as long as I hold on to the self respect that I have fought so hard to earn, I just don’t see myself being interested in any guy just because I am single. I have fought for my own respect and I think a guy can fight just a little bit to earn that respect from me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Brynn is a 20-something-year-old girl who has more experience with love than she bargained for.

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