When You’re The Person Who Needs To Be Left

He was, and hopefully still is, the most selfless person I have ever met. I was a freshman in high school and was at the mere age of thirteen. I fell in love with his nonjudgmental soul. He saw my flaws as perfection and never made me second guess his wholehearted love.

However, I was too immature to realize what was in front of me. I began to take advantage of his kindness. I underappreciated his loving gestures. I lied. I cheated. I belittled him. The worst part of it all was that I expected him to come back every time I apologized . . . and he did. He accepted my excuses. He forced himself to forgive the unforgivable. I watched his heart slowly break, and I continued to cause him pain for my own selfish pleasure. For four years, he attempted to keep a dead and damaging relationship alive.

But then one day he didn’t come back. He stopped answering my calls and text messages. He cut off all contact with me. He erased me from his life. Honestly, who could blame him?

He finally realized what I couldn’t – his worth.

I thought I wanted the promiscuous hookups and the college one night stands. I thought I would feel alive by experiencing something new with someone new. I thought I could easily replace him with someone better, someone funnier, someone smarter. I can’t express how wrong I was.

Four additional years later, I still think of him when I can’t sleep or when a certain song comes on the radio. I still have those moments where I wish I could know how his family is doing or how his day went. I constantly wonder what his future plans are and who may be laying with him at the end of the night. While I still have my regrets, I am also very thankful. I am grateful he was finally able to walk away and leave me behind.

My sleepless nights and tear soaked pillows allowed me to recognize how to appreciate everything I couldn’t have at that time. The heartbreak eventually hit me and reality began to settle in. I learned the hard way that not all boys will be there for you at 3 am (for something other than a booty call). I experienced that not every person will truly listen to every word that you say or treat you with respect. I discovered that those drunken hookups will leave you feeling used and empty the next day.

Unconditional love isn’t as easy to find as I thought it was.

Because of this, I now value the smallest things in life. I acknowledge the small gestures people do for me. I go out of my way on a daily basis to put a smile on someone’s face. I improved my relationships with my family and constantly express my love for them. I treat others with respect and show compassion to strangers. I admire the beauty inside others. I treasure my friendships and continue to make improvements in my life.

I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. While I am still not a perfect person, I do believe that I have grown tremendously from my past actions. Most importantly, I am so sorry that I had to cause him pain in order to transform into a better version of myself.