1. “I’m the parent, you’re the child.”
Yes. I know. That’s generally the case when an older person lives with a younger person, provides for them, and uses that as an excuse to boss them around a lot. Plus, you only remind me about this 23,791,282 times a day.
2. “I didn’t do that when I was a kid.”
Correct. You didn’t. Because when you were a kid, they didn’t have iPhones. Or PlayStations. People got married at 14 and had a zillion kids. The times are different now.
3. “I know what’s best for you.”
Do you? Do you really? Even though you’re: A) Not me; B) not me; and C) not me, you still think you know what’s best for ME?
4. “Lower your music.”
Yeah, I know. I probably will lose my sense of hearing by the time I’m 70, but that’s decades away. Right now I want to ignore you in the most effective way possible.
5. “Shame on you.”
That phrase doesn’t elicit any feelings of guilt or regret.
6. “Did you really try your hardest?”
No, I didn’t. I bombed the test for fun. I purposely filled out the wrong answers to make you angry because I enjoy getting reprimanded on the daily.
7. “Tommy did better than you.”
Really? Do you want Tommy as your kid, then? I bet he’d be a dream—he’d meet all your expectations and you can proudly wear all of his college gear when he gets a full scholarship to Harvard.
8. “How could anyone find anything in that mess?”
It’s my room. My mess. This is how I like to have my things. You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to. My clothes each have a special place on the floor. This is how I find things.
9. “Can’t you remember anything?”
Emptying the dishwasher isn’t exactly number one on my priority list considering I still have to do my algebra, math, and English homework, study for Spanish and history, go to sports practice, and then find time to do that extra-credit project for chemistry.
10. “You’re not the kid I raised you to be.”
Who raised me, then? Is there a ghost in the house?
11. “Don’t use that tone with me.”
Sorry if you’re offended by the frequencies my voice reaches while I am talking. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not something I have the ability to control.
12. “As long as you live under my roof…”
Where am I supposed to live? The street? The orphanage?
13. “Because I said so.”
Sorry. Didn’t realize you had the final say in every action I ever take and every decision I ever make. Next time, I’ll try to consider what you would say before I make my own decisions.