Listen up, folks! Nobody wants to die alone, but a lot of us will, so with that horrific thought out of the way, let’s make an effort to attach ourselves to someone for the duration of our lives because I’m sure it is more beneficial to cry when there is someone near you. This is the reason everyone decided to show up for some speed dating! I will be your host for the night, and while I am rooting for everyone to have success tonight, I need everyone who fails tonight to help me move next week because apparently you have to pay your rent to live in this city. Just a warning, you may fall in love with me.
Now, before we envision ourselves marrying someone after just two minutes of conversation, let me go through some helpful tips that if followed will ensure you leave here with your potential soul mate, or at least someone who can help me move my couch, my dresser, and other large items. God, I hate my landlord. Now, how about some tips? First off, always trust your instincts. If your date looks familiar, chances are you have seen them on the news and the police is looking for them. Now, others might see this as a red flag and might quickly cross them off their list. But I see that as a sign that your date is possibly adventurous which means years and years of adventures and running through different countries. Nothing will be boring with them, that’s for sure. Do not hesitate, run off with that person immediately and don’t inform your family or friends. Now that’s what I call an adventure.
Do not be put off if your date tells you that they are unemployed, that can mean various things so make sure to give them a chance. I am sure they will tell you that they are an actor waiting for their big break, and they have already been in a few furniture commercials. This screams ambitious to me, and you know you have hit it big with them. Any day now they can snag the role of a lifetime, and then you will find yourself living your life in luxury. And who wants to date someone with a typical nine to five job? Not me, that scream boring to me. Plus, if the are unemployed, that means they will have more time to help me move out of my apartment because I’m sure that more than half of unemployed people own a pickup truck that can transport large items from one place to another.
Since your folks only have a very small amount of time to make a connection, do not be afraid to get the important questions out of the way first. Asks them if they have a healthy lifestyle, if they attend a gym, if they know of anyone who is looking to rent out an apartment on the cheap, and if they are strong enough to carry multiple large boxes at once. These are vital questions that will go a long way in determining if you are a right match for each other. Also take a look at how your date decided to dress tonight. Do they look like they are serious to meet someone? Are they just looking for fun? Do they have a t-shirt that is promoting their moving business? In a short amount of time, observe everything.
Now I know everyone in here wants to get started, but these tips are important to know if you have any interests in finding your soul mate here tonight. Tonight’s goal is to go through as many suitors as possible, and while chances are that very few will pan out, at least there is chance that one will. Plus, a lot of people have showed up tonight which means more people to meet, and more potential people to help me move.
Good luck, everyone! A signup sheet to help me move can be found near the exit door.