I met you by accident when I was mourning a broken relationship. I was excited at the prospect of feeling happiness, attraction, and a rush again – and you filled all of those voids for me. I didn’t intend to fall into an oblivion where I lost all control, but still I was satisfied to do so, because of the way you made me feel. You were like a drug that I craved and I didn’t know how to control my addiction. I needed you but I reminded myself to play the game.
It was brutal, because I wanted to spend all my hours with you, and instead I had to pretend that I was booked up with other engagements, dates, and friends. I tried blocking you out with music, alcohol, and spontaneous trips, but you were still constantly on my mind. Your smell, your humor, your charm was like white noise. I didn’t know how to escape you and the feeling was bittersweet. I wanted you out of my life but never wanted to let you go. Every time we kissed, I felt like it was our last, filled with passion and desire. But when you left, I only felt suffering and agony.
You didn’t want to be serious and I didn’t want to lose or get hurt. So I cut it off before you could. And it was like multiple stab wounds on a daily basis to try to move on. But the real drowning sensation was when you met someone else. I lost control of my emotions and asked myself “why not me?” How could I feel this undeniable, intense chemistry with someone who chose somebody else? How could I feel this insane connection with someone I had only known for a few months, something I never even experienced with someone I dated for years? Slowly but surely, I moved on, dated other guys, and tried to convince myself that I felt the way it had felt with you. But I was lying to myself and it was crystal clear to everyone else on the other side of the spectrum.
I tried to avoid your attempts to contact to me but I couldn’t block you out. I wanted you to suffer and to feel what I felt. I wanted you to feel the sensation of a loss of control. But I let you back in, only to have you do the same thing all over again. It hurt less the second time around because my guard was up. But I had hope and faith that you had good intentions. I forgive myself now for giving you a second chance, because to my core, I believe in the best of people. But the valuable lesson I learned from you was that some people do not in fact ever change. And if anything, I’m at peace with that.