Let’s Argue About This On Facebook

image - Flickr / Kenneth
image – Flickr / Kenneth

Comment on my post about gender equality. I fucking dare you.

From the moment I half-read that Jezebel article 11 minutes ago, I was just praying someone like you would come along and start some beef. I mean, who are you, even? Did we go to that thing once? Whatever. This is the perfect opportunity for me to prove, once again, here in front of the entire Internet, that I’m the smartest human alive.

DING. Let’s get this thing started. I’ll begin by accusing you, point blank, of being a misogynistic woman beater. We were all thinking it. And since your opinion doesn’t match mine exactly, it’s quite clear you’re on the far right extreme of this issue. That’s just math.

Round Two. I’ll make a bold comparison to prove my point and you can call it a “false equivalency” which will make me super mad because I don’t really understand what that means. Luckily, your pseudo-intellectual bullshit is completely lost on me. I’ll respond undeterred with a rambling, absolutely soul-sucking “See More” comment that clocks in at well over 180 eye-bleeding words.

The best defense is an ignorant offense.

Um, excuse me? Did one of YOUR friends (not even mutual) seriously just butt in and get involved? That’s straight rude. Maybe you should stop commenting on something you know nothing about, “Tammy Myers”. And while you’re at it, switch up that profile pic, you fucking floozy.

Final Round. Go ahead, make your closing arguments. Yes. Mmhm. Okay. Excellent. Now I’d like to address your points in an easy-to-read, numbered response:

  1. You’re clearly a bigoted, white privilege, convicted sex offender.
  2. Here’s another vaguely relevant article that once again underscores my point. I’m not going to say anything else about it because it’s THAT poignant.
  3. I hope you get AIDS.

Can you feel the fight slipping away? My last comment earned six likes! Six! Oh, I’ve got you on the ropes all right, like a bloodthirsty Muay Thai kick boxer. There’s nothing left for you to do. Just sit back and watch me assert my digital dominance. Quiver underneath my mind-melting rhetoric. Tremble as I crush your worthless existence one lifeless pixel at a time…

Wait a sec. Timeout.

Mom?

What are you doing here! GOD. I thought we talked about this. You’re allowed to read but NEVER allowed to comment. What would you even know about Kendall Jenner? UGH. I’ll block you! I swear to god, I’ll block the shit out of you AND Aunt Heidi!

Sorry about that.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah…

I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE. TC mark

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