Listen, I get it — you wanted it to be your kid he was having. You wanted your eggs to be fertilized by his suave ass sperm. I don’t blame you. I’m straighter than a plate of chicken wings, but even I can’t resist those fucking cheekbones.
But I promise this is a good thing. You realize he’s only going to get hunkier, right?
You see, in your grief and mourning that no, it’s not you he’s supporting through a Lamaze class, you’re forgetting that fatherhood can turn a certified stud into a timeless Casanova — the kind of silver fox who builds your daughter a dresser before sweeping you off to Montauk for a weekend escape. A kid complicates things, sure, but it also ages a man the same way a Kentucky barrel ages a fine scotch.
If you thought his kiss in the rain with Rachel McAdams was romantic, just imagine what he can do with a diaper genie. You know what’s sexier than those impenetrable blue eyes of his? A man who knows how to swaddle.
And I’m not just talking about the baby.
The stresses of raising a child might even give him a few grey hairs. Salt n’ pepper Gosling? Are YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? If you thought he looked good next to Clooney in the The Ides Of March, just wait till you feel his snowy scruff rubbing against your….collarbone.
Hey girl, what do you say we heat up some of that sweet, sexy breast milk of yours?
Fatherhood will also give him a chance to work on his disciplinarian skills. He’ll need to learn how to be stern and deal out punishment when the need arises.
(Hopefully you haven’t been a bad girl. Otherwise, daddy might have to punish you.)
Most importantly, there’s a cruel but very valuable silver lining here: raising a child puts an enormous stress on a relationship. According to research that probably exists, couples with young children are 87x more likely to fight and eventually split up. That’s just science. You should be standing on your rooftops, hands in the sky, thanking the Gods Of Love for this miraculous development. There’s NO WAY these two will last, especially in Hollywood. That means the only thing standing between you and your new title of Mrs. Gosling is a couple dozen months of Gerbers and sexual stagnation. Hell, the kid will probably know how to wipe his own ass by the time you get your hands on him.
Ladies, I know you’re scared. I know what it feels like to lose all hope, especially when it comes to love. But I’m here to tell you that everything will be okay.
I’m here to tell you that your fantasies are just as attainable as ever.