8 Reasons We Shouldn’t Get Drunk On The Mini-Bar

Takin’ all the liquor straight, never chase that (never)
Rooftop like we bringin’ ’88 back (what?)
Bring the hooks in, where the bass at?
Champagne spillin’, you should taste that

1. First things first – I’m financially responsible. Getting barely buzzed on $13/oz Smirnoff is fantastic, yes, but I’d also like to have enough money to send our unborn kids to college some day. Ya dig? Come to think of it, couldn’t we just run to the corner store and buy a fifth of gin for almost the same price? I know we’re drunk, but this isn’t rocket science.

2. This is one of those bullshit hotels without an ice machine. If we want a bucket, we’ll have to call room service and have some poor bellboy hand-deliver it to our room. It’s so degrading. Who dat that do that to an innocent, hard-working employee?

3. We don’t have mix.

4. I actually pre-paid for this room through Hotwire and my credit card has since expired. Any subsequent charges will need to be tendered in cash.

5. Because I think you might have a problem. There, I said it. A cup of Ace, cup of Goose, cup of Cris…you’ll down anything you can get your paws on. It’s excessive. And now you’re so desperate that you need to raid the Holiday Inn’s pantry for yet another shot? Those tiny bottles are the alcoholic equivalent of dumpster diving – a sad last attempt at getting your fix, no matter what the cost. It reeks of desperation. And whiskey.

6. We’re also paying $14.99/day for WiFi, which in this day and age feels like denying people open access to clean water, but whatever.

7. If we’re going to take them, we should save them for the plane ride home.

8. Because maybe we should leave the hotel and go for a fucking walk. Did we really come all the way to Providence, Rhode Island, just to glum about in room #315, drinking away the pain? We could be out exploring Roger Williams Park Zoo, or having a romantic walk along the water. We could be doing anything. It’s only 8pm. This is not the honeymoon we once had in mind. Jesus, Iggy, what happened to us? TC mark

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