1. Decide nothing!
Oh, you think she’d like Italian tonight, huh? Well that’s awfully presumptuous of you. Why suggest a place and risk disappointment when you could waffle back and forth via text for a few hours? Leave everything up to her and give the lady the full control she deserves.
2. Try her food!
You’ve seen Lady & The Tramp right? That shit is adorable. It’s also a great way to quickly establish that old-married-couple comfort level that women seek out so desperately.
3. Get ham-snozzled on mojitos!
The way to a woman’s heart is through your own liver, and nothing says boyfriend material like a refreshingly minty aperitif. Be sure to down a whole pitcher or three before the main course arrives; being a hot mess has never been steamier.
4. Tell her about your ailments!
Remember that ingrown toenail you had last November? That right there is grade-A conversational fodder. Tell her all about your different ointments and how well they worked. Before long, your big toe won’t be the only one oozing.
5. Touch her butt!
Don’t touch her butt.
6. Wear Crocs!
A lot of people dismiss these haut couture orthopedics as “gaudy” and “too ugly to possibly be worn in public” but guess what reader – this is FASHION. It’s not supposed to look good. Wear Crocs on your first date. I promise you’ll get a handjob.
7. Send her a whole bunch of texts!
Before, after and even during the date! There’s literally no limit to your love. Send her a cute little “i miss yooooouuuuu” from the table while she’s in the washroom. I’m telling you. Butter. In. Your. Hands. (We’ll discuss dick pics in our next installment.)
8. Go indoor tanning!
If my first tip doesn’t work, this is the one fail-safe date destination you can fall back on. Think of it as preparation for your future honeymoon. Nothing’s more romantic than lounging next to one another in a pair of oiled up cancer caskets. Hubba hubba!
9. Let the lady talk!
She doesn’t want you to emote or feedback into the dialogue. You’re simply there to absorb. Think of yourself as a therapist: someone who’s there to objectively understand without contributing any personal emotion, investment or opinions.
10. Discuss finances!
Quite frankly, it’d be irresponsible if you didn’t. You both have futures to plan and it all hinges on a solid joint income. Save yourself a world of trouble by finding out her annual salary (after taxes) right off the bat. Try bringing it up while you negotiate who pays the bill.