I’ve been twenty-three for nearly two months, which naturally means I have the world more or less figured out. Tax season? All over it. Recreational travel? Boom. Intermediate cuisine? #FuckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt.
But as I attempt to decipher the more advanced elements of the universe, there remain a few scant issues that continue to puzzle me. I’ll outline them for you below. Feel free to solve these existential conundrums in the comment section.
1. I don’t get blind people.
How the hell do they take the subway? With nothing more than intuition and those little turkey baster bubbles on the end of their canes, they adeptly navigate down steep stairwells and precarious platforms. It’s insane. Not once have I seen the newspaper headline: “Blind Man Stumbles Onto Subway Track, Ruthlessly Mauled by Incoming Train” in spite of its logical probability.
2. I don’t get family finances.
My main budgetary struggles consist of a) paying the rent and b) recreational intoxication. It boggles my mind that some young adults tackle these essential expenses ON TOP of the daily upkeep associated with harvesting a small human. Is there a Dollarama equivalent of Babies R Us? There must be.
3. I don’t get Dave Matthews.
People have a jolly ol’ time yucking it up at the expense of Kroeger and company, yet nobody touches this ultra-bland clown. I’ve had forgettable bowel movements with more substance than this ass giraffe. Speaking of which…
4. I don’t get horses.
Cattle are cultivated for the express purpose of later eating them and/or their juices, yet we seem to have placed horses on an almost holier than thou pedestal. Personally, I don’t like animals with dicks bigger than my arm. My solution: more horse tartar. Don’t knock it till you try it.
5. I don’t get Benedict Cumberbatch.
The actor himself doesn’t puzzle me – it’s just that everyone refuses to admit why we love saying his name. It’s because it starts with the word “cum”. That’s the only reason. Otherwise, former Pittsburgh Steelers backup quarterback Charlie Batch would be lauded as equally charming. It’s the cum, people. Wake up.
6. I don’t get Kale.
It’s just dark lettuce, right?
7. I don’t get Russia.
Seriously. They hate gays, love Syria, and their national liquor is to blame for my most regrettable evenings in college. I’m obviously not the only one to hold these objections, yet they still manage to hold influential positions in every global arena. It must have something to do with Rocky IV.
8. I don’t get zombies.
They’re not fun and they’re not funny. I feel the same way about Dexter, vampires, and Goth rock. And Halloween. We’re perpetuating a culture of fear, folks. This is what the terrorists wanted. It’s time to turn off True Blood and turn on Celebrity Wife Swap, lest our great nation (oh, I’m Canadian btw) crumble into the dark and brooding abyss we’re ruthlessly cruising towards.
9. I don’t get cuff links.
But judging by centuries of fashion history, I think I might be wrong about this one.
10. I don’t get automotive enthusiasts.
I know I’m breaking man code here, but why would you spend so much time reading about a vehicle you’ll never get to drive? That’d be like staring endlessly at a beautiful woman you’ll never get to sleep with. Wait a minute…