I’m a fashion merchandising major at a state university. This means I don’t have to actually learn anything useful, fulfilling, or concrete. Instead, I turn in projects based on make-believe, have access to “industry newspapers” that reveal insider fashion secrets (don’t get excited), critique fashion shows, and read a lot of fashion magazines.
And from what I’ve seen, this year’s upcoming fall and winter fashion looks as if it’s headed toward “seems bleak” territory. That comes as no surprise, as fashion has been reflecting our sluggish (but chic) economic decline for the past several years. Words such as “classic” and “conservative” and “minimalistic” are being used heavily in winter fashion editorials. It’s making me sleepy. Even sleepier than fashion editorials usually make me.
Sometime last month, Fashion Week for Spring 2011 was held in New York City. But we shouldn’t worry about that now. It’s not spring. It’s more important that when your friend starts sporting an XL camel-colored peacoat with a fur stole and Mom’s clogs, you can think to yourself, “predictable.” So here’s what I’m predicting for trends in fashion this fall and winter:
Camel is the color of the season, from outerwear to underwear. Camel is generally an unflattering color unless you are dark-skinned and under 100 pounds. When I see a person wearing head-to-toe camel, I think to myself, “moving skin-toned blob.” But it’s a good color for starting your slow descent into seasonal depression. We’ll all look miserable together.
I’m not surprised. Are you surprised? The fur aesthetic is pretty sexy, in a this-may-be-a-bit-of-a-fuck-you-to-my-vegan-friends kind of way. It’s also practical, for those of us who live in the mid-west. It makes my morning when I see a cute female looking annoyed, stomping through the snow on campus wearing huge-ass faux fur boots. Sexual attraction level skyrockets. Must be some kind of tribal, primitive, animalistic thing.
Still have those weird flesh-colored cork-heeled platform clogs from back in ’95? You’re in luck. Put them on. You’ll get laid.
This one is for the men, especially. Eggplant-colored velvet blazers look highly fashionable for fall. They are the perfect mix of prep-school douchebag and sleazy office man. It seems as if choosing any garment in black makes it exponentially less stupid-looking, though. I think if I saw a man wearing a black velvet jacket, I might observe it positively.
I don’t really want to talk about it.
Keeping with the conservative theme, loose-fitting, tapered trousers are the pant of the season, apparently. They make your hips look wider and your legs look shorter. This is fashion. This is important. Toss your skinny pants. Fashion is important.