You’ll feel the crippling pain, deep in your chest as you place your palm gently over your heart. The ache will run deep, and you’ll feel like your heart is physically breaking, shattering into a million pieces. This is the pain you try so deeply to rid your body of, but if you want to feel the lightness and pureness of happiness, you must feel the disease of heartbreak.
It’s a balance – sometimes, it’s completely uneven – but both sides of life include joy and heartache, happiness and sadness. We are made to endure.
Throughout the past several weeks, I’ve been transitioning through a tornado of heartbreak. I went through a tough breakup, but the people who showed up in my time of need is remarkable. Once again, I’m amazed at the love and kindness of others when my world came crashing down. I have all of my belongings stacked up in trash bags and boxes inside of a storage unit. My key ring no longer has a house key, but three keys – to the homes of my closest friends. I don’t have a house anymore, but home is more than four walls and a roof. Remarkably, I’m okay.
How did this happen? The full story does not matter. But I’ll tell you how I’m getting through. I’m staying with friends during this transition while I search for my own apartment. I’m crying on their shoulder when I don’t feel like my heart can take anymore. I’m taking care of myself and leaning on the supports around me. The past two weeks have been unbelievably messy, unpredictable, and terrifying. But at the same time, the past two weeks have been beautiful, enlightening, and transforming. I carry adversity around like a turtle’s shell – I’m no stranger to it and I’ve learned to embrace it.
What I will share is why I chose to walk away. We cannot save anyone but ourselves. As much as we hope and wish, pray and try to save another human being, we will always fail. We are meant to love them while they rescue themselves. Sometimes, they won’t. It’s like our loved one is imprisoned in a jail cell and we throw them the key, to set themselves free… they see the key, but simply throw it back.
Each one of us is given a single life. Some of us are dealt bitter cards and we will face more challenges than others. Some of us will face near death experiences while others will be a witness to these fatalities. We are powerless over anything and everyone except for how we control ourselves. I found myself in a situation where I wanted more than anything to see someone else experience life the way I do. I’ve been at the brink of death but I was a lucky one. Some of us are not so lucky. So we must protect ourselves and run to shelter, even if it stings and our heart crumbles like shards of glass. I’ve been surrounded by amazing people who have helped me rescue myself. I’ve learned so much about myself – as a woman. I am strong enough to protect myself and take care of myself so I can continue to thrive in life. I’m capable of escaping an unhealthy situation, despite the discomfort. I have learned that I am resilient and I am able to start over, time and time again.
Does it hurt – hell yeah, it fucking hurts. But that’s life. I’ve tasted the gift of happiness and freedom, and like I’ve said before, I refuse to let it go. As I work through this heartbreak, I’ll find my way back to the other side again and it will make the joy that much more irreplaceable and sweeter.