You know in high school when your friends’ relationship status is labeled as “it’s complicated” and everyone understands, why is it that once you reach your 20-somethings it isn’t quite the same way? Is there really such a thing as “it’s complicated” once you graduate from college? Or is it that easy to just throw away something that you were so sure wouldn’t work out only two months ago? Can a person really come to a definite decision and make up their mind that you’re “the one”? And if they do, how stupid will you look for taking them back?
I know these are a lot of questions, but they are ones that I can’t stop turning through my mind, and I know other people can relate. Two months ago I was sure that my ex and I were finished, completely over, the cycle finished, but now I can’t be so sure. Everyone says that no one ever changes, and I am guilty of spilling these words a few times myself. Is it wrong of me to feel it out and test the waters to just double-check my grading accuracy? I know what you’re all thinking: run. Yes, he was a selfish ass hole that left me for someone else because of convenience, and there is no excuse for that, not even a creative witty one that I can make up for him. But what do you do when they come back into your life, two months later after not speaking a word to him? I can’t deny the fact that I still have feelings for him, despite how fucking shitty everything at the end was. I hate myself for having these feelings and giving a shit in general.
There are two sides to this type of guy: The one that doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, doesn’t cut himself any slack, is chivalrous, child-like, affectionate, loving, and wants everyone to be proud of him despite his previous fuck-ups when he was merely a drunken babe. Then there is the other side: the side that bottles everything up, does things out of mere impulsiveness, is selfish, and drinks to keep away any type of intense emotion. I know both of these sides to my ex well, and I also know how to deal with both of them. The better side is the best side of a guy that I have ever come in contact with, but the bad side is by far the largest rollercoaster I have ever been on.
My ex doesn’t deserve another chance, and I know that, but if I gave him one, will it be worth it in the end, or a complete waste of time? At this point in my life, it’s all or nothing. If there is no future in store, then it is on to the next. But this guy has changed my life in many ways. He challenges me to do new things, encourages me in job searches and times of tragedy, brings out my fun side, and always makes me smile even when I’m pissed off or upset. I love the person I am with him, just not the person that I was when we were apart from each other; I am smiling like an idiot right now just writing these things down. I’ve been in a few serious relationships, but I’ve never truly loved in any of those relationships liked I did, and (secretly) still do in ours. When things were great, they were fucking great, but when they were bad, they were terrible. Can these things actually be fixed, or is this a worthless cause that I should give up on? At one point or another, we have all been in this type of relationship whether it was Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or an actual person. So here’s a little piece of advice for us all who are dealing with an intoxicatingly amazing yet tragic relationship: Take a leap of faith, always be optimistic, say you’re busy when really you’re watching Netflix, and let them prove themselves to you. It may be the best decision of your life, or you may figure out it was never meant to be all along.