On Not Jumping

For a minute, I almost believe that this time I am going to have the courage to do it.

Tom Petty flows through my ear buds, keeping me calm.

I’m so close that the toes of my size 5 pink converses are hanging over the edge of the concrete, dangling dangerously and waiting for the rest of my body to follow suit. Since I can’t look out and I can’t look around, I just look at my shoes. I think about how they are two sizes too small because I’ve had them forever and I’ll never throw them out.

Nobody really appreciates Converse anymore, and how it takes at least a year to get them truly scuffed and dirty, not the kind where you go rub new shoes in dirt on purpose, but the kind of dirt that only years of trekking through life can bring. They are the perfect shoes for the occasion.

A size 7 shoe, which I am now, is the average shoe size of American women. That’s why they sell out the fastest, and you can never find that size in the clearance aisle.

Average shoe size, average weight, average looking. I’m completely average, and average usually tends to mean forgettable.

I feel bad for shoes that are in the clearance aisle. I want to buy all of them and go home and put them in my closet just so that they won’t feel like they are unloved. So that they won’t just get thrown away.

Back to the present — isn’t that what I’m doing now?

I’m throwing away my life. Trying to at least.

A new song clicks on my iPod and I’m ready to look. I’m ready to jump.

It hits me that I’ve been standing on the edge of this building for a while now, and I haven’t done a thing.

Still, no one has noticed me standing up here. I don’t know what I was expecting really.

A crowd, I guess. And news vans. Maybe a reporter standing next to me on the ledge, shoving a mic in my face and asking me if I had any last words. I wonder if the crowd would look away quickly at the end, or just watch as the concrete rose up to hit my body? But I’m pretty sure that no one will notice, and no one will care. Not unless a part of me sprays onto their new shoes.

One day I walked into Barnes & Noble and bought the book “Don’t Jump!” just for hell of it. I waited in the 20-minute line and when it was my turn at the counter I plopped it down next to the register triumphantly.

I didn’t know how I was expecting her to react, but I wanted to see her reaction.

She scanned the book and told me my total without even looking at me. Without even blinking.

“Are there any other books like this one?” I asked her.

Her voice was monotone and she still hadn’t looked up from inspecting her nails. “You could try the self-help section, maybe.”

“Forget it,” I said, before shoving a crumpled bill onto the counter and walking away.

Was it a long slow process that turned me jaded? I don’t know. I just woke up like that one morning. The sun was shining and it didn’t seem to make a damn bit of difference.

When I beat a man to a taxi later that day he told me to “go to hell.” I looked at him confused, and said “I thought I was already there.”

It’s a tough choice to decide how you want to end your own life, you’d be surprised. It’s something that most people don’t realize until they get serious about planning it out.

There are guns, pills, a long walk and a short fall, endless possibilities when you consider them all. But each one seems imperfect.

There’s always the question of if it will work, or someone will come along like an asshole and try to save your life.

The more foolproof plans seem to leave some kind of a mess behind. I always think about who would have to clean it up.

I think I heard somewhere that women are more likely to take pills when committing suicide, because they are worried that a loved one will have to clean up the mess. Men are more likely to use a gun.

I think it would be weird; the last taste you will ever taste is the metallic coldness of a gun in your mouth.

It must have taken me months to decide to jump. Then there was the question of when and where. But I decided, obviously. Because here I am.

But even before climbing up here to the top of this building, I knew I wasn’t going to jump. Do I want to? Sure. Will I? I don’t have the guts.

I’ll walk back down all those stairs, go home, and add this to the list of things that I’m not brave enough to do.

– Eat in a restaurant alone.

– Make the first move.

– Off myself.

Isn’t it funny how as soon as the lights are off and I’m alone, my insecurities all come crashing down around me? TC mark

image – espos.de

More From Thought Catalog

  • Guest

    What a visceral look at the moment one looks at oneself and evaluates their life whilst (literally) standing on the edge. Splendid read.

  • Anonymous

    and im glad you didnt. Thanks for writing. Have an excellent day :)

  • Anonymous

    Powerful.

  • GUEST

    woof. this made me want to vomit.

    I hope you felt something in writing this.  nothing like a bit of existentialism to make anyone want to jump.

  • sinahle

    “Tom Petty flows through my ear buds, keeping me calm.”

    Hmm.. “American Girl” by chance?

    • Sophia

      I was assuming “Free Falling”

      • sinahle

        Touché. I figured “American Girl” since it’s rumored to be about a girl jumping off a building. Both are relevant though!

      • sinahle

        Touché. I figured “American Girl” since it’s rumored to be about a girl jumping off a building. Both are relevant though!

      • sinahle

        Touché. I figured “American Girl” since it’s rumored to be about a girl jumping off a building. Both are relevant though!

  • Captain Obvious

    I’ll be the asshole commenter: I think what you really want and need is attention, love & professional help. 

    I hope you got it or are getting it. 

    • CarolQ

      when writers are happy, they write. when they are sad, they write. so when they are suicidal, they write then too. it’s not wanting attention, it’s therapy. it’s the only way to really express how you feel. 

      surely someone who reads such an open-minded site such as thought catalog should understand that. there’s really no place for this kind of comment here.

    • lilym

      I don’t think this was that assholey at all. it sounds pretty dead on. most people need love, attention, and something along the lines of professional help.

    • Guest

      …and you think that not having all of these things, but wanting them is pathetic or dumb? fuck off.

  • eriolclow38

    I loved this piece. It written perfectly. Despite the fact that I don’t even know you, I’m glad you didn’t jump. I too, feel bad for clearance shoes and have those thoughts of average-ness. I’m average built, average clothing size, I have small feet and hands for a guy tho. We wear the same size Converse by the way! Sadly they’re not made the same like they used to back in the day, because when Ive reached that perfect scuffed up, loved to perfection stage, they fall apart and I need to buy new ones and start the process all over again. Eating alone in a restaurant is nerve-wracking and so is making the first move.Anywhos, sorry about the rambling, but I hope you know you’re not alone. Have a great day! =]

  • HHH

    We love you Brittany. You can eat in a restaurant with me if you want.

  • anabele

    I remember being in that moment, what feels like a long time ago, but it’s not really.  I loved the line “average shoe size, average weight, average looking.  I’m completely average, and average usually means forgettable.”  You’re not forgettable.
    I had a friend jump a few months ago, despite the overwhelming data that says women don’t jump.  Please, talk to someone.

  • anabele

    I remember being in that moment, what feels like a long time ago, but it’s not really.  I loved the line “average shoe size, average weight, average looking.  I’m completely average, and average usually means forgettable.”  You’re not forgettable.
    I had a friend jump a few months ago, despite the overwhelming data that says women don’t jump.  Please, talk to someone.

  • http://twitter.com/canwin Kaye Flores

    Good read.

  • http://twitter.com/canwin Kaye Flores

    Good read.

  • Kennneth

    The reason no one appreciates Converse is because there’s nothing to appreciate: they’re just fucking shoes, CANVAS shoes to boot (pun intended). 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    This was good but I feel like there were too many paragraph breaks, which threw me off from the flow you were establishing at the beginning. (Also, the “usually tends” sentence drove me nuts.) That being said, this was an enjoyable read.

    As an aside, pick up a copy of ‘A Long Way Down’ by Nick Hornby. I suspect you’ll love-hate it.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

    • KBrennan

      There are many people who simply cannot commit suicide, no matter how much they want to. And that is speaking from experience. Coming from me, I’m just very introverted and I would feel guilty of everyone that I left behind, even the people who pushed me to the very action.

      I think that is what the author was going for.

      • Sammy G

        Right there with ya. I wanted to jump and couldn’t.

    • KBrennan

      There are many people who simply cannot commit suicide, no matter how much they want to. And that is speaking from experience. Coming from me, I’m just very introverted and I would feel guilty of everyone that I left behind, even the people who pushed me to the very action.

      I think that is what the author was going for.

    • KBrennan

      There are many people who simply cannot commit suicide, no matter how much they want to. And that is speaking from experience. Coming from me, I’m just very introverted and I would feel guilty of everyone that I left behind, even the people who pushed me to the very action.

      I think that is what the author was going for.

    • KBrennan

      There are many people who simply cannot commit suicide, no matter how much they want to. And that is speaking from experience. Coming from me, I’m just very introverted and I would feel guilty of everyone that I left behind, even the people who pushed me to the very action.

      I think that is what the author was going for.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

  • Sdsadlk

    I feel like there are two kinds of meditation on suicide that get written; 

    1)reflections on what it feels like to be in a position where you can’t see how life can move from ‘unbearable negative’ to ‘bearably negative or better’
    2)’suicide-curious’ livejournal material in the spirit of a Sartre quote in Helvetica on a 14 year olds black t-shirt

    I accept that the deeper you are into wanting to write something accurately horrific, the more it’s something that people probably wouldn’t want to read  – which I guess is the challenge of writing something actually moving, which is hard!  Especially compared to being glib.

    This feels like it should have been titled “On Thinking About Jumping”.  Everything described is the outward posturing that people feel like they should be doing.  That behaviour pattern is in everyone’s head, it seems from people I’ve spoken to before anyway.  

    I emphasise, if you feel this close to the edge (No pun), I would love to read about it.  If you want to tackle suicide as a feeling, I salute you.  But what’s up there is such an everyday sensation for so many people that I feel a little like it makes people who kill themselves seem less legitimate.  It’s not that the sun shines and doesn’t make a meaningful difference.

    Try to write something that would be a justification for what you’re thinking of doing.   The internal struggle of suicide is ‘not jumping’ when you literally cannot think of a single reason why you shouldn’t, as well as when you can’t stop thinking about all the reasons you should.  Feeling suicidal is when that barrier between your available ‘guts’ to expend and the action is removed.  This is why there’s great strength of character to be seen in someone who can attempt / come close to attempting the act, and pull themselves back from it.

    Disclaiming comment, close friend ‘jumped’ in May, abundant experiences around that event affecting me still.

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