I Woke Up This Morning And Decided To Let You Go

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kaakamakaaka

I woke up this morning and I have decided to just let it all go. I am willing to admit what I never have wanted to admit since I met you almost 20 years ago. I think you are the love of my life. Even now, after the betrayal and the pain and the sleepless nights. I have a lot of anger towards you which will keep me safe.

I can’t have you in my life.

But I have to stop fighting this sense of great loss. This sucks, this fucking sucks. A part of me feels no one has ever loved anyone this much. If the world could know – if God could know, if you could know, then we’d have to live happily ever after, right?

I love you; I love your face, I love your touch, your smell. I see a photo of you and my breath catches in my throat. I think of a joke you would have laughed at and I feel lonely. When you are by my side my heart is happy and feels home.

The ones you love the most can also turn and hurt you the most as well.

I have fought this because it feels pathetic and crazy. You have a lot of issues and are simply not capable of giving me the fidelity, attention, honesty, and the true-equal-partnership that I require. It’s so fucked up. If I go with my heart, I will go against every fiber of my being. I would be going against all of the values I have set for myself. I need certain things from a partner and you can’t give me them. And that’s not saying something against you – I am drawn to that free spirit in you. But at the end of the day I need the stability and comfort of reassurance and commitment.

You and I are square pegs in round holes. It can never work out and it never will. I can’t change who I am and I am certainly done trying to change you. I accept and love you as you are today: green eyes, salt and pepper hair, that masculine scent of aftershave and male shampoo, your strong arms, your laughter, and also – your detached indifference when you don’t care anymore. You can flip in an instant and walk away so easily leaving me dejected, hopeless. Love is not enough. I can’t love you enough to make a relationship out of fire but no kindling.

I love you and I may always love you.

I miss you every day. But I cannot know you anymore. My heart breaks for you over and over and over. Today I am mourning the loss of you and the hope of you. You are a light in a dark day. But the pain of our constant, never-ending misunderstandings is not worth it. I need peace in my life above all else. I need respect from a partner who is on my same level.

When I think about never, ever seeing you again it makes my stomach flop. I cannot bear the thought of it. But you are like my own personal unhealthy addiction and I will continue to take it “one day at a time” as I take care of myself first.

I am not sure if it makes any easier – the fact that I know that I am doing the right thing by walking away. It doesn’t really matter. What I do know is my life and my future will be better this way. There are other people in this world that I can make a relationship work with. It just happens to not be with you, my favorite person. TC mark

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