I can’t explain it but this week I feel like my self-esteem has truly flip-flopped and I feel like I really am a great girl with a lot to offer. Something just clicked in my brain. I laid in my bed the other night and it all became so clear. I don’t have the problem. I’m not a person with a lot of baggage. I am not that complicated. I am a pretty regular girl. In this huge city of Atlanta it can feel like there are more women than men, especially single folks.
Is that true, though? I only have a couple of single girlfriends left. Over 30 the numbers thin out quite a bit. Everyone is fucking around in their 20’s. It’s over 30 that men and women really start to think about settling down. And why is that a problem?
Yesterday I walked through this furniture store and looked at mattresses. I thought about all the romantic comedy films or even TV shows that show a couple of some sort laughing and lying on different beds together, laughing and arguing over the firmness or softness of a mattress they are purchasing. The man pretends to hump the lady and it is just hilarious.
You know what was the highlight of my day? I wandered around the huge storeroom with a little fellow following me with a notepad as he made notes and I jumped and flopped on the different beds by myself. I felt nothing but joy and gratitude that I am truly only thinking about what I want.
What do I want? I want a firm mattress. I want a comfortable bed but not plush. Plush is shitty. I want a cozy bed, a boho-style bed frame or comforter. I want light colors. I also enjoy red. I want a bed I can curl up in at night and on a Saturday afternoon with a big book and a mug of tea. I like my cat next to me. She follows me in the bed most nights and sleeps up against my back.
Being single at 33.5 years of age is not always a luxurious time.
I deal with my own trash, my own bills, my own income for only 1 bedroom and 1 person living in an apartment. I come home to a quiet place. Sometimes dinner is a yogurt or a frozen waffle. There is not as much meaning and intensity in moments.
I had a male couch guest recently and it was fun. It was fun to see man-products. It was cool to have someone to share a frozen pizza with. I enjoyed the new game I invented of – take turns showing one of your all-time favorite YouTube videos. There is not much more fun than laughing at that damn Leprechaun in Mobile, AL or Tim and Eric Show nonsense about the universe (his contribution). Those were fun moments. Also, what was fun last night? I ate a veggie burger on an Ezekiel bread English muffin and then fell asleep on my couch watching the season finale of Scandal. I wore no bra, ugly pants and got toothpaste juice all over my shirt. I air dried my hair after a hot bath. It wasn’t a pretty site but it was truly enjoyable.
I have no idea why I’ve come to this epiphany. Perhaps the weekly therapy, the myriad of self-help books (currently re-reading “The Four Agreements” and it is fantastic), the fact that I am getting a better credit score, that I lost 7 lbs dealing with bronchitis recently. I can’t tell you why I feel this way. Today I am grateful – I could be hit by a bus tomorrow but I also could be alive and healthy tomorrow.
Being single is looked at as such an indulgence in society. “Well my life was not full until I had the kids” or “Having it all is really having someone to share it with.” – is it? Kids are off the table. I have put that matter to bed. With these old Fallopian tubes and endometriosis covered uterus there are the slimmest of slim odds I could ever even get pregnant. I guess over the last couple of years I have made peace with this fact. I was dating a ton and feeling frantic – I have to find someone and then start trying to have children! But just checking that box that I am not pursuing children of my own has been so liberating. Yes, there are moments of tears and loneliness. I see moments between children and their mothers and feel a loss; a loss for something that never happened and never will happen.
So do I have to keep my head down and trudge onward as the single-ton I am? Is it a curse or a blessing? Is it both?
I am not going to apologize for it anymore. And that’s mainly to myself
I am not some damaged creature who couldn’t bag a partner.
I am a grown ass woman who has a great credit score and an almost paid for Honda Civic. I am a woman who can date or not date or dance or screw (with a condom) anyone I see fit. I can spend Friday nights with my cat and HBO or out on the town with wine and music.
Whatever brought on this truly refreshing feeling doesn’t matter. I am so appreciative that I am living in the present moment right now and that present is fantastic. I just got four chairs and now will work on a new project of a farmhouse-kitchen-table, why? Because I want to and because I can.
This single, lonely girl has thrown her beret up in the air at the mattress store and is embracing my decisions that are left up only to me. I will jump from mattress to mattress with the joy that matches any couple of anything’s out there.
My life is great. My new mattress will be great. Tomorrow will be great or it could suck. It doesn’t matter. In this present moment I feel peace at where my life is. It’s just me – but as I chose a full bed because – hey, I like a full size and I may never even need a queen or larger. It’s a lonely life but there are times when it is truly magical and joyous. Times when you somehow get that same feeling you had running through the sprinklers in the grass when it was so hot outside. That tap water was so cold. It felt right. Today feels right.