1. He hasn’t taken you on a date yet
If the only money he has ever relatively spent on you is gas for his truck, then you’re screwed. Figuratively and literally. His idea of spending time together means driving around aimlessly until the time comes. He looks at you with those baby blue eyes of his and you just know this ‘date’ is going to end with you on your knees or your legs in the air in the backseat of his shitty truck. When you’re done, don’t expect to cuddle and talk about your feelings. You’re either going to get a high-five or an uncomfortable hug when he drops you off.
2. If there is a first date, he talks about his ex-girlfriend
The last thing a hopeful girl wants to hear on a promising first date is about this harlot who broke his heart. I went on a first date about a month ago and as we shared an ice cream sundae, he asked me why I was single. I babbled some bullshit about how the area is too small to meet the kind of men I like (the real reason is I have a tendency to go after emotionally unavailable men). When it came time for him to answer the same question, he shot out something about being in a relationship for four years and he was just getting over it. The buzzer in my head should have been going off in my head at this point, but the ice cream must have softened up my brain or something. Needless to say, a month later he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship right now. Good one, Brittany.
3. He only texts you sporadically
So about once a month, or every other week if you’re a lucky gal, your phone goes off and you see his name pop up and HOLY SHIT, he wants to hang out! Hmmm, I cannot imagine what he wants to do. So you drop everything to go ‘hang out’ with him. And at this point, we should all know what ‘hanging out’ means. However, when you grow the biggest balls in the world and actually text him first, he always seems to be busy. Shocking.
4. You realize you don’t know a damn thing about him
Aside from all the Facebook stalking I imagine you’re doing (maybe even right at this very second) you have no idea who he actually is or what he likes, aside from that thing you do with your mouth. Like, what is his favorite color? What is his family like? How many times a month does he shower? You get my drift. You’ve been seeing this guy for a year and he’s a complete stranger to you. Yet, whenever you get drunk and mistakingly talk to him, you’re spewing out stories about the time you had to buy boxer briefs for your uncle and how sad it made you when your dog mysteriously disappeared to go live on a dog farm. “Fuck you, Freckles. How dare you leave me.”
5. You’ve gone bat-shit crazy at least three different times and he doesn’t seem to care
Awweee. He must really like you! I mean, he’s seen you at your absolute worst and he still wants to talk to you. How cute, right? WRONG WRONG WRONG. Any normal man who has seen you throw up the cheapest liquor in the store because you’re a lush and well, cheap, or can count on two hands and two feet how many times you’ve screamed at him for not taking you out to a nice dinner that didn’t involve a drive-thru window (Panera is the ONLY exception) would have left your ass a long time ago, girlfriend. He isn’t sticking around because he finds those things UNBELIEVABLY alluring. He stays because he isn’t getting laid by anyone else in town because they know he’s a douche, and you’re the only dame within a fifty mile radius who puts out with the snap of his wonderful, wonderful fingers.
6. He’s on a dating website ‘just looking for a good lay’
If you’re like me, you’re the biggest internet creep and can find out anything about anyone. Like, Agent Hotchner should be knocking at your door right now, because that’s how fucking good you are. Anyways, I may or may not have creeped on OkCupid. And I may or may not have found a faceless towel picture of a guy. And I may or may not have recognized his body hair to know exactly who it was. If this sounds weirdly like something that may or may not have happened to you, then GTFO. If his profile says the word ‘sex’ in it more than one time, then i have to reiterate here. GTFO. If the ages he prefers ranges from 20 to 50, GTFO.