All The Things You’ll Never Know

You’ll never know how hard I fell for you. How you charmed me from the moment we started messaging me. How the countless FaceTimes and late nights were so special to me. How you made me trust again. How, on the New Year’s morning I admitted my love for you to my sister, you took it all away.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know. How the first 1:02 a.m. feels. How I couldn’t sleep for nights. How, when I finally could sleep, I was haunted by you in my dreams.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know the countless hours I spent thinking about you, unable to get you out of my head. Replaying every single moment. Trying to find the missed signs and mistakes made.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know how I would count down the minutes until I knew that I might hear from you, looking forward to hearing the lines you’d spin my way. How I made you my priority when I was only an option to you.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know how betrayed I felt. How I genuinely thought I could trust you. How I believed every word you said. How, after everything we had been through, you climbed back into my bed and told me you were done with her, and oh, how I believed you. How hope glimmered deep inside of me.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know how many times I convinced myself to ignore you. How I deleted all of my apps in an attempt to ignore you. Then you would creep back in with a text or a call and I would crumble all over again. All the progress was gone. I was trying so hard to walk away, but you wouldn’t let me go quietly.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know how you broke me. I was unable to trust again as you proved to me over and over again that trust never existed. That I wasn’t worth the truth. That you were only using me. I believed your empty promises in hopes that one might turn out not to be so empty.

You’ll never know.

You’ll never know how you killed the hopeful Brittany.

You’ll never know that you broke my heart.

You’ll never know how I had to gather all the pieces up alone.

You’ll never know how I had to glue the pieces back together. How I had to force myself to move on and give myself some tender loving care.

You’ll never know the better and stronger Brittany that I will become one day.

You’ll never know her.

And it’s your loss.

You’ll never know.