I cried today.
The kind that appears out of nowhere, but you know was actually the kind that has been building for a while. I feel so deflated.
He kept asking what was wrong, what he could do to make me happy, how he could help, but I couldn’t bear to even speak it – that I feel like a failure, I feel pathetic, I feel paralyzingly overwhelmed and sad and stressed that I feel this way.
I cried today.
And I was so ashamed for feeling so worthless that I lied and said I don’t know because I didn’t even want to hear myself admit it to someone else; to hear the truth come out of my own mouth.
And I’ll cry tomorrow.
I know that fear, shame, and vulnerability are all sisters and brothers in this fight but being brave enough to conquer them is a debilitating thought.
So I cried today.
Feeling like I have no space for positivity, for love – for support – because feeling down makes you think you don’t deserve it, like you should be able to figure this out on your own, like it’s your own fault – the habits that got you here in the first place and you should be the one to fix them.
But feeling so fucking shitty makes you feel like sulking, like crying, like no matter what you do you’ll still be in the same place because you’ve already tried your best and it didn’t work. And just the thought of all the wasted time and effort makes me want to start crying. Because hugs don’t feel good anymore, and tears don’t feel relieving, and the quotes about being grateful for how far you’ve come, sound patronizing, like receiving a second-place trophy while smiling for pictures with lipstick on your teeth…like you’re happy you didn’t win.
I cried today because people keep telling me it’s going to get better and that I just need to try harder, makes me want to punch them – and start crying because I do that when I’m angry too.
Feeling this way…it bleeds into every part of your life and sometimes even looking in the mirror is hard.
But I’m noticing it all. I’m leaning in. I’m learning about what it is and understanding the why behind my emotions (or lack of them), behind my pain and confusion.
I’m navigating my way through because there is no way around it. You have to feel it and you have to cut yourself some slack because YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. If anything I wrote above resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone and you are worthy and again, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. You are in a state of transition, becoming the person you’re supposed to be and you will find your way through.
So cry today (if you want to or can’t help it). I did. And if you didn’t, that’s okay too.