I’m sitting here in the dark watching the lightning, listening to the thunder, with some soft John Mayer playlist on and it’s exactly what I needed today to validate how I’m feeling.
Just dreaming with a broken heart, feeling like nothing is going to work out for me; like I’m going nowhere; perpetually swimming against the current.
I know what it’s like to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. To feel like you’re running in circles, chasing your tail. To feel like you’re so secluded sometimes you don’t remember what your own voice sounds like. To not remember what it’s like to have fun. To not even really understand what FUN is anymore.
What do you enjoy? Do you even remember or are you functioning at a certain level because you feel you have to? What else is there right?
There’s more. There’s so much more and how you’re feeling right now like you don’t feel anything at all. It’s not numb, it’s honest. And admitting that you feel like shit is healthy. But what’s not healthy is keeping it in.
You can’t let yourself overflow. You can’t drown in your overwhelming thoughts. You can’t shut down. You can’t give in to the weight because you’re strong enough to know that all those quotes online about empowerment are for the greater good; are for days and weeks and months like these when you need something to swim toward. When you need to take up space to be loud, to be scared, to be uncertain and angry and exhausted.
You do not need to be alone and more importantly, you do not need to feel lonely because you are one of thousands of people, young and old, who feel the same way. Who have developed anxiety; when before, had no idea what it felt like, couldn’t understand, couldn’t relate. Who cries at sad songs at eight o’clock in the morning and who’s read all the books and articles and tried all the exercises and breathing techniques and you feel like something’s wrong but you just can’t put your finger it on because you’ve never felt like this before.
You are not psycho.
Do not be ashamed.
It will all be okay.