13 People Tell Their Most Hilarious ‘I Didn’t Expect To Have Sex Today’ Story

Pixabay / sasint
Pixabay / sasint

1. Her best friend had just died.

Her best friend had just died and we went to the showing. Sitting in her car afterwards, I was trying to console her while she was crying. I reached across and hugged her then realized she hadn’t hugged me back but had actually slipped her hand into my pants while still crying. Weirdest boner I’ve ever had.

— fireinvestigator113

2. Healthy expression we are still alive?

My first sexual experience was when a friend went down on me when I drove him home from a wake. Mutual friend had died in a pretty bad car accident, foggy morning, pulled out in front of an 18 wheeler she couldn’t see.

I brought it up with a therapist in college and he said it was a healthy expression that we were both still alive. Thinking of it that way, not too weird.

— jaesin

3. Study buddies

Asked girl in class if she wanted to study. I ate her out for a hour or so. She sucked my dick for 30 seconds. Got B on exam.

— SemiProPainter

4. Wanna “walk the dog??”

A girl I knew but wasn’t real close friends with one day texted me asking if I wanted to go walk her dog with her.

I got there, was invited in, got a doobie pushed in my hands with a beer. Turns out she didn’t have a dog, we watched a movie, about halfway through she starts giving me a blowjob.

Best walk ever.

— Octosphere

5. A very NOT boring night shift

Working the night shift in a hospital. The delivery room services was quiet and calm, so I decide to stroll around the hospital. Found a female intern, which I hang out with and have a smoke during boring night shifts.

As we’re smoking outside the hospital, we started making out. She mention that the classrooms on the top floor are, sometimes, open and are private. We go to the top floor. One empty classroom is open. We bang on the floor. Wasn’t expecting to bang that night.

The floor was cold and hard, my knees hurts after being done, we didn’t get enough sleep cause we were fucking. Still, 10/10. Would have hospital sex again.


6. Old flame magically appears

It was a random Saturday in the summertime, around 1-2 am, and I was home alone just enjoying a night in when from out of nowhere someone’s ringing my doorbell.

I freak out before realizing that it’s an old fuck buddy who I hadn’t seen in a few months, completely trashed off his ass. he said he was driving through my neighborhood and really needed to pee, and my house was the closest place he could think of.

I took his keys, let him do the needful, and afterwards suggested that he hang out with me in my bedroom watching tv until he sobered up (not a ploy, my bedroom was the only room in my house with decent AC at the time)

we watched Netflix, we talked, and eventually we passed out in bed together. I woke up a few hours later to him going down on me, which escalated pretty quickly into fucking. we went back to sleep and fucked again in the morning.

afterwards, we showered together, had breakfast, and that was the last time I ever saw him.

— loki8481

7. “Shut up and just fuck me”

I had a girl over and we started talking about making blanket forts as kids, so naturally, I grabbed a bunch of blankets and pillows and we made one! I went and got some flashlights and turned off the lights, then next thing I know we start making out, clothes start coming off, I asked, “Is this actually happening?” and she replied, “Shut up and just fuck me.”

— ParanoidBlanketFort

8. “It’s not like we are going to have sex”

Went on a first date with this girl in college. She lived in the nice housing complex on campus and it was the Friday before spring break. All her roommates had gone home already for the vacation. We were sitting on the couch having a semi-deep conversation after we got back. She excused herself to go change into her PJ’s. She invited me into her room and joked when she saw me take her desk chair while she was in bed: “it’s fine you can sit on my bed, it’s not like we’re gonna have sex”.

Literally like 3 minutes later, we started having sex.

That was the only time I’ve ever had a FWB/fling situation, lasted about a month, but god dammit it was the highlight of my life.

— echtav

9. The power of a good suit

I gave a presentation in one of my classes and after the day just went back to my place. My GF had never seen me in a suit before, so when she came in she just said “you’re going to fuck me, damn it!” I never realized the power of a good suit until then.

— koenigseggfire

10. Best work shift ever

I was working as a server at a restaurant and we had a beautiful new hostess start working there recently. We both happened to be closing one night when I told her that she looks how I would describe the perfect woman. One of the hostess closing duties is doing the mirrors in the bathroom. I walked into the mens room as she was cleaning them. I turn to walk back out and she tell me not to. It was a blur before both our pants were down and I was inside her.

I came to work expecting tips but I didn’t expect to be giving anyone mine.

— kevik72

11. Fucked in the office before coffee (basically)

I was an adult entertainer for a couple of years. Having sex with the patrons was obviously illegal but as you can imagine it happened. The one time it surprised me is I was first in for an early spot. It was 4:30 and a pretty girl walked in, and sat in a dark corner near one of the smaller satellite bars. I just had gotten dressed hadn’t even been on stage yet and the DJ had probably played one or two songs since we opened. I was sober (rare when dancing and hadn’t taken any G which was my go to drug of choice.)

She ushered me over and asked for a table dance. Fine. I begin moving and she immediately spreads her legs on the bar stool and she has a shaved and pierced pussy. I go rock hard, but keep dancing. She then tells me she is also a dancer and has a 6:00 shift at the Pink Pony.

“Was on my way to work and got horny…” So before you could say hump and grind I was in her… We quickly finished up, thankfully no waitresses were on the floor, doormen were elsewhere getting ready for the night and my manager was probably doing lines in the office. We cleaned up, she tipped me well and she was gone. All in the space of 10 minutes. It was like getting fucked in the office before your first coffee.

— Just1morefix

12. Car sex with new friend

My buddy asked me to hang out and meet his friend Sabrina. We were hanging out driving around when Sabrina starts getting frisky with me. We were going down the 91 freeway with music blaring and this girl I met about an hour ago riding the shit out of me in the backseat. Great day, Noah your the best wingman.

— Mikester245

13. I fucked a married woman on her husband’s cousin’s car

Probably the time I went to a beach party at my friend’s place, as the only single guy. Her friend’s wife was excessively hot to me, and was in a bikini top, which was difficult for me because I don’t wanna be ogling some married woman. I’m looking for a place to sit and she offers me a spot on the towel next to her, I act like I don’t notice because I don’t wanna end up making moves, but my completely oblivious friend is like “Dude she’s making a spot for you right there.”

So I sit down and we start talking, she is very very obviously interested in me and within ten minutes I excuse myself to go back to the cars parked a ways away to “check my phone”, she says she has to use the bathroom, few minutes later I’m nailing her doggystyle on the hood of her husband’s cousin’s car, about 500 yards from the party.

I thought I was the shittiest person in the world for a few minutes after, until I figured out that she and her husband were into that and he completely knew what we were doing.

— Unconfidence Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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