“I had the same name as my ex’s dad. At one point she moaned it during sex, it was really weird for me, and I think she thought the same because she didn’t say that during sex again.”
“Any reference to a previous partner.
i.e. ‘Oh yea, me and so and so did that’.”
“After decided we wanted a child, she kept saying, ‘give me a girl’. I couldn’t recover from that.”
“Are you almost done?”
“When I was about to lick her asshole, a girl said, ‘oh yeah, you wanna put your tongue in my tooter?’
Well, now I fucking don’t…”
“Ugh, my tits are the size of a twelve years old’s
The fuck am I supposed to do with that?”
“When they can’t kiss. I had a girl literally open her mouth as wide as she could stick her tongue out and attempt to eat my head through my mouth.”
“‘It’s just a little guy.’
I died a little inside.”
“‘… I’m a necro.’
(She meant nympho, but I didn’t believe it for months.)”
“During sex one time, my ex-girlfriend just kind of stopped and then looked at me and said, ‘Sorry, I was thinking about Benghazi.’”
“My friend was having sex with his ex a while back.
Mid fucking stroke this bitch looks him dead in the eyes and says ‘You’re the best big brother’
It is now how I introduce him to people we meet out now. They never know. He’s just the best big brother.”
“Went back to a girl’s place. I sat down and she grabbed some drinks, or went to the bathroom or something. Meanwhile, her tiny dog is freaking out on the couch next to me (I had never been inside of her place before).
When she returns, she moves the dog from the couch. It’s then that I notice the dog has peed all over the couch spot next to me. She immediately sits down and starts to make a move on me — she’s sitting in the dog piss.
I just sort of rolled with it.”
A girl unzipped my pants, put her hand in, and I don’t even remember this part, but apparently I told her to ‘get out of my swamp’.”
“‘Can you go into the bathroom for a minute? I…had an accident’
“A crying baby in the next room.”
“I had a girl ‘playfully’ slap my balls on a date, but she just fucked NAILED them. Absolutely worst ball hit of my adult life. I had to walk it off. Later, sexy time began to happen. I COULD FUCKING NOT get it up, no matter how much I tried. There was ball swelling.
She eventually left, and I had such painful blue balls. I couldn’t sleep. Eventually managed to jerk one out of my completely soft dick, and it sprayed like a bottle of Febreeze, and was simultaneously the most painful and satisfying thing I’ve ever experienced. Fuck throwaways.”
“I took her doggystyle and could smell her butt from that distance…. it wasn’t charming.”
“My ex just used to say ‘vagina vagina vagina’ over and over again. God knows what was going on in his head.”
“I unzip, she says ‘well at least I know your not going to hurt me.’”
“*stops making out*
‘Sorry…You just reminded me of my dad for a second.. No biggie, just came to mind…’”
“‘I love watching your titties FLOP around while I fuck you.’”
“I was in a FFM threesome and the other girl said to him, ‘Let’s see what’s inside your treasure chest!’
I assume referring to his underpants as a treasure chest? And his penis was the treasure? I don’t know, but it really weird and me and the guy just kinda looked at each other and did a ‘heh… yeah…’”
“My ex-wife used to yell really loud, ‘ohhhhhh ohhhhhhh OHHHHHHHH!!!’ when I would go down on her. It sounded so put on and fake and cheesy … It was ridiculous sometimes how loud she would yell.
I wanted to burst out laughing so badly sometimes. Once or twice I would snicker, but it was really fucking funny and distracting!
My peeper could never recover from the funny. I’d go limp as a soggy noodle.”
“Right before I get into bed with my wife to donkey wheel face fuck, she said, ‘Gotta clean the kitchen after this, and clean out kitty cats shit house.’ Wow. Major turn on babe.”